


Wait For You Forever

by hedgehoggery



Series: ANBU Drabbles [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-06-27 10:51:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15683937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedgehoggery/pseuds/hedgehoggery
Summary: Kakashi is a good ANBU soldier - he follows orders and kills on command. But the long years of being an assassin have started to take their toll on his humanity and nothing can bring him back from the edge - except perhaps his kohai Tenzo.This is the same story as my ficNever Leave You Behind, except told from Kakashi's perspective instead of Tenzo's.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For some reason, my ANBU-era Kakashi is extremely profane?? So sorry about all the curse words but in my defense, the man is having a mental breakdown.

The air felt thick and heavy, leaving Kakashi’s skin uncomfortably clammy as he waited in the trees with his kohai. The Land of Rivers had never been Kakashi’s favorite mission destination - it was too hot and humid for his liking, even in the dead of winter - but ANBU shinobi didn’t have the luxury of choosing which missions they took and which they didn’t. So like the good soldier he was, Kakashi accepted whatever missions were thrown his way.

This particular mission was a straightforward assassination, not unlike the dozens or possibly hundreds of assassinations he’d successfully completed in the past. He wasn’t anticipating any issues with this one, and he was thankful he’d be able to get out of the swamp that was the Land of Rivers sooner rather than later.

Kakashi looked over at his kohai. Tenzo was a good soldier too, better than Kakashi in many ways. He’d been through hell and back but he never lost the light from his eyes. It was one of the things Kakashi admired about him the most - where Kakashi felt like a shell of a man, broken and battered by the events of his life, Tenzo had only seemed to grow stronger every time life tried to cut him down. 

Kakashi realized he’d been staring at the side of his kohai’s face for several moments, and quickly tried to refocus his thoughts on the mission at hand.

“The intel places the target in the yellow house,” he said, glancing back at the small community of houses. It was pretty dark, and Kakashi could only hope he was correct in his assumption that the second from the left was the yellow house.

“Second on the left,” Tenzo whispered, sealing Kakashi’s suspicions.

“Agreed,” he said, swatting away a mosquito that was trying to bite at the small amount of exposed skin on his arm. This country really was the worst - he hoped they could get in and out as quickly as possible on this mission. If they stuck to the plan they’d be able to do that. So long as no one heard or saw anything, they could kill the target and head straight home. Besides, Kakashi wasn’t too fond of killing innocent bystanders anyway. “Remember the plan,” he said to Tenzo. “We need to keep this as quiet as possible. I’d rather not slaughter this entire community tonight.” Tenzo nodded. 

Kakashi thought through the plan. He and Tenzo would approach the house simultaneously. Kakashi would inspect the perimeter solo and would strike if he had the chance. Otherwise, he and Tenzo would infiltrate together to locate and eliminate the target. Kakashi hoped he’d come across the target without Tenzo for a few reasons: it would help them remain as quiet as possible, which was an absolute necessity on this mission; it would help them get the fuck out of this horrible country as soon as possible; and it would protect Tenzo from having to engage in a possible fight. Any plan that kept Tenzo out of harm’s way was a good plan in Kakashi’s opinion.

“Alright, ready?” he asked, hearing Tenzo gulp next to him. Kakashi could sense Tenzo’s nervousness. It was another trait he was envious of - it must be nice to still have some level of humanity left. Most of the time, Kakashi felt ANBU had killed whatever was supposed to be living in his soul. 

Kakashi checked his watch - eight seconds, seven, six, five, four, three, two…

“Go.” 

Kakashi ran through the field between the treeline and their target destination, hearing Tenzo close beside him. Realizing it was probably tactically unsafe for them to remain close, he veered away, taking a different route to the same destination. That way if one of them got killed, the other could still finish the mission.

Kakashi felt an unexpected surge of fear and rage at the idea of Tenzo being killed. He pushed it down for the sake of the mission.

He made it to the destination and, up close, was able to confirm the house was indeed yellow. As quietly as possible, he snuck around the perimeter, peeking in a few windows and hoping against hope he’d find the target. But it quickly became clear that luck wasn’t on Kakashi’s side today - was it ever? - and they’d have to move to the infiltration part of the plan.

He waited on the east side of the house as planned until he sensed Tenzo leap down from the roof where he was waiting and align himself in front of a window on the west side of the house. Kakashi counted to five then forced the window open and climbed into the house.

He found himself at the end of a hallway with three doors. He opened the first - a small bathroom. A small, unoccupied bathroom - no target in sight. He went back into the hall and tried the next door. It seemed to be an office or guest room of some sort. There was definitely a bed, and Kakashi crept up to it as quietly as possible. There was clearly no one in the bed, but Kakashi dropped to his knees and checked underneath. Empty. He stood up and pulled open a door that, predictably, led to a closet. Of course no one was hiding inside. 

Kakashi exited the room and walked towards the third door, then stopped when he saw Tenzo’s familiar Cat ANBU mask approaching. He shook his head to let Tenzo know he hadn’t found the target. Tenzo mirrored the action. Kakashi cocked his head towards the final doorway. Tenzo nodded.

Silently, Kakashi reached out and slid the door open. Jackpot - two individuals lay sleeping in the bed in the middle of the room. Of course they’d be in the very last room in the house, but oh well. Kakashi walked up to one side of the bed and was pleased to see his kohai approaching the opposite side. The sleeping couple seemed to be a husband and wife. Thinking back on the mission objective, the target was listed as a male, so Kakashi figured the wife was just an innocent bystander. One who, maybe, could get out of here alive.

Kakashi drew his kunai and glanced up at Tenzo, who nodded for him to continue. Kakashi quickly analyzed the situation - stabbing the man would certainly be effective but not quick, and would potentially give him time to cry out in pain, alerting the neighbors to their presence. Not to mention the force of repeated stabbing would likely wake the wife, who would then have to be killed as well. Chidori was right out - it was an effective jutsu, but loud as all get out and therefore completely inappropriate for this particular mission. He finally settled on slitting the guy’s throat - if he cut deep enough, he could prevent him from screaming at all. 

Once his decision was made, it took him no time at all to act. He ripped the blade across the exposed skin under the man’s chin. His eyes blew open in surprise and terror, but, as expected, he was unable to scream. It didn’t take long for the fear in his eyes to fade away to nothing.

A noise behind Tenzo caught their attention, and Kakashi ripped his head up to see a baby fussing in a crib. An unfamiliar mix of panic and fear crept into his mind, rendering him unable to move or think. The mission success relied on silence, but this baby was clearly going to alert the entire goddamn Land of Rivers to their presence. There was no way they could possibly hope to escape the house in time - the wife would likely wake up and scream, alerting the neighbors to an issue. But Kakashi really didn’t want to kill the wife - he’d murdered enough innocent bystanders already in the line of duty for one mission or another, and every single one seemed to drag him down closer to hell. But what else could he do? Joining ANBU was basically signing a contract with the devil, anyway.

He looked back down at the wife just in time to see Tenzo kill her as she woke up, preventing her from screaming. The force of her blood landing on his arm jolted him out of his stupor. The mission, yes. Tenzo made the right choice for the mission.

The baby fussed louder. He had forgotten about the baby in the process of deciding what to do with the wife. What was his duty here, as an ANBU? Was it to murder the infant? Surely that couldn’t be right. Kakashi looked up at Tenzo and met his brown eyes, but couldn’t seem to produce a rational thought.

Kakashi tried to shut out the ridiculous amount of fear that had suddenly taken over his whole body as the baby cried. He’d made this kid an orphan - he’d grow up with the absolute misery and pain that Kakashi had, with nobody to love him. Cursed from infancy. Would it be better to kill him? Would it be more merciful for Kakashi to end this little life now?

His eyes refocused on Tenzo, the sight of whom made Kakashi’s heart slow back to normal. No, of course he wasn’t supposed to kill a baby. Tenzo was proof that not all orphans were as broken and damaged as Kakashi. Tenzo was perfect. If the baby could be like Tenzo, he deserved a chance at life.

With newfound purpose, Kakashi listened closely for any noise from the neighboring houses. Hearing nothing, he let out a deep breath of relief.

“There’s no indication any of the neighbors heard anything,” he said. “We’ll leave him on their doorstep.” Kakashi saw Tenzo visibly relax at that decision.

“Yes, senpai,” he said.

Kakashi walked over to the crib and picked the baby up, remembering how Kushina had taught him all those years ago to support the head. His heart hurt at the memory of him picking up the makeshift doll she had made for him to practice when she found out how nervous he was, and how he had tried to squash the feelings of pride he had felt when Kushina told him he was a natural. 

He swayed gently back and forth, the way he remembered his father doing for him whenever he cried. While the memory only made Kakashi upset, the action seemed to work to calm the baby down. He stopped crying and rested his head against Kakashi’s chest, comforted by the man who had just murdered his parents.

Kakashi glanced up at Tenzo and found him gathering items from the crib. The two of them left the house through the front door and went to the neighbor’s house. Tenzo produced what looked to Kakashi like a manger, and he gently placed the baby inside. Glad to be rid of the last thing keeping him in the accursed country, Kakashi quickly turned and leapt away.

***

The ANBU locker room was deserted when they finally arrived back a few days later, for which Kakashi was acutely grateful. The memories of Kushina and his father had really taken their toll on him, and he wasn’t in the mood to chat with anyone. Well, anyone other than Tenzo. 

Kakashi was starting to think he couldn’t live without Tenzo. Everyone else was exhausting to talk to, to deal with, to be around. But Tenzo was the opposite. No matter how bad Kakashi’s life got, he never wanted Tenzo to go away. He never wanted to avoid him. If Kakashi could spend every second for the rest of his life with Tenzo, he thought that would be pretty nice.

As it were, Tenzo was currently stomping off towards the showers, clearly upset about the mission. Kakashi quickly stripped off his clothes and followed him, finding him standing in a stream of steaming hot water, burning his beautiful skin. 

“You’re going to give yourself third-degree burns, idiot,” Kakashi exclaimed, turning down the temperature on Tenzo’s shower head before starting to shower right next to him.

As he started washing his hair, Kakashi couldn’t help but stare at his kohai. Just the sight of him was a comfort to Kakashi. Though currently, he looked so exhausted and he was pursing his lips in a way that Kakashi knew meant he was upset about something. Probably the mission. Probably the fact that they’d almost murdered an infant.

“You okay, Tenz?” Kakashi asked. Tenzo’s eyes seemed to refocus, as if he had been looking through Kakashi before he spoke.

“Just tired, I guess,” he said, shrugging. Kakashi sighed.

“You know, there was no good option,” he said. He had intended for the words to be comforting, but realized as soon as they left his mouth that they were pretty depressing.

“I know, senpai,” Tenzo said. “But we did the best we could.” Kakashi was taken aback by Tenzo’s words. Had they? Had they really done the best they could? Was murdering two parents and leaving their son on a stranger’s doorstep the  _ best _ thing to do? 

Kakashi felt himself spiralling, and tried to wash away the thoughts by letting the water fall directly on his face. He heard Tenzo leave the showers and hurriedly finished washing himself so he could catch his kohai before he left. He followed Tenzo into the locker room.

“You, uh… want to get dinner?” Kakashi asked, desperately thinking of a way he could keep Tenzo from leaving and cursing himself for needing his presence so much. Tenzo chuckled.

“Pretty sure it’s breakfast now, but sure,” he said. Kakashi glanced up at the clock and saw that it was just after five in the morning.

“Oh shit,” he said, genuinely surprised by the hour. He had thought it was still the previous evening. “Is anything even open this early?” Tenzo shrugged.

“We’ll find something,” he said. Kakashi was glad he put his shirt on first, so that his mask hid his stupid grin at the prospect of spending the day with Tenzo.

The two of them left ANBU headquarters and started into town. It was a nice morning, crisp and cool - very unlike the sticky dampness of the Land of Rivers. Kakashi was glad to be back home again. He glanced over at Tenzo and saw him pouting slightly, and tried to think of a way to cheer him up.

“You want to just pick something up at the market and go back to my place to eat?” he asked, knowing how crowds stressed Tenzo out. Tenzo looked over at him with a look of pure gratitude.

“Yes please,” he practically whined. “That sounds much better than a restaurant.” Kakashi chuckled.

“We’d probably freak the hell out of other restaurant patrons anyway,” he said trying to lighten the mood. “Based on how rough you look, I can only imagine what  _ I _ look like right now.” Tenzo laughed.

“I’ve seen you look better,” he said. 

They went straight to the market and Kakashi wasted no time picking out ingredients for dinner, or breakfast, or whatever meal they were about to eat. They walked up to the register.

“I’ll do the cooking if you do the paying,” he said, winking at Tenzo. Kakashi knew it was immature, but he enjoyed pushing Tenzo’s buttons whenever he got the chance. When they were on missions they had to act so strict all the time. When they were hanging out during their free time, Kakashi figured they could both use a little levity in their lives.

“Do I have a choice, senpai?” Tenzo snapped. Kakashi was pleased with the reaction he elicited in the younger man. 

“Of course,” he said, grinning. “You can choose if you want to eat or not.” Kakashi chuckled as Tenzo muttered something under his breath while producing the money from his wallet. He quickly paid and they walked in silence to Kakashi’s apartment. Kakashi fished his keys out of his pouch and pushed the door open with his hip. 

“I hope you don’t mind I’m making eggplant,” he said, walking into the kitchen and dropping the groceries on the counter. “I thought it was dinnertime so I’m making dinner.” He glanced up at Tenzo to see him falling onto Kakashi’s sofa. Kakashi chuckled. To him, this apartment was just a place to live. It was just like any other apartment in Konoha, if a little dustier from lack of use. But Tenzo had some inexplicable fascination with Kakashi’s apartment, and Kakashi couldn’t deny that it made him a little giddy.

“That’s fine,” Tenzo said. “Where’s the dogs?” Kakashi rolled his eyes. That was really Tenzo’s fascination with Kakashi’s apartment - the ninken. He summoned the dogs and felt a childish pang of jealousy as they all ran over to greet Tenzo instead of him.

“I swear you only hang out with me for my dogs,” he muttered, turning back around to start dinner.

“Boss! Glad you’re back safely!” he heard Pakkun yell. Kakashi whipped around.

“Is he talking to you?” he asked, indignant. “Pakkun, I’m boss. Not Tenzo.” Pakkun looked up at him.

“I was talking to you, Boss,” he said. Kakashi rolled his eyes but decided to just let it be as he continued making dinner. It was a quick recipe, and about half an hour later he was plating two dishes. He started towards the table but, seeing that Tenzo was half asleep on the couch, decided they could just eat there.

“Here, eat,” he said, thrusting a plate at Tenzo. He had to suppress a giggle at the adorable way Tenzo jumped a little and moaned the word “what?” as he woke up.

“Thanks,” Tenzo said, taking the plate. Kakashi shooed the dogs onto the floor and sat next to Tenzo. The two of them ate in relative silence and Kakashi quickly understood why Tenzo had been sleeping on the couch. Kakashi was absolutely exhausted from their mission. He could barely keep his eyes open long enough to finish eating. When Tenzo took his plate to the sink, he couldn’t help but yawn and stretch up towards the ceiling.

“Nap?” he yawned, laying down on the couch and tapping the empty space beside him. Tenzo hummed affirmatively and joined him on the couch, laying his head on Kakashi’s chest as the dogs jumped up to lay with them. Kakashi wrapped his arms around Tenzo and snuggled up to him, breathing in the scent of pine and moss that always clung to him. Kakashi loved his scent - it was as if, somehow, Tenzo  _ was  _ the forest. He was better than human - a class above lowly mortals like Kakashi. 

Tenzo’s breathing evened and slowed, and Kakashi smiled as he realized the man was already asleep. Kakashi opened his good eye and glanced down at him, filled with some indescribable emotion at the sight of his peaceful face.

  
_ It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean a damn thing,  _ he told himself for the thousandth time since he had met Tenzo all those years ago. Satisfied he’d convinced the universe their relationship was meaningless, Kakashi fell asleep with his kohai on his chest.


	2. Chapter 2

“Alright, I’m not going to lie to you. This mission sounds like a giant pain in the ass.”

Kakashi jerked his head up and glared at his ANBU team in annoyance as they groaned in response to what he thought had been an extremely open and helpful analysis of their upcoming mission.

“Don’t bitch,” he said. “We’re ANBU. It’s our job.” Ko scoffed.

“You bitch more than any of us, taicho,” he said. Kakashi felt rage boiling in his chest at Ko’s words. He always had a way of saying just the wrong thing that struck Kakashi with a surge of annoyance, and today was clearly no different. Sometimes Kakashi could internalize the annoyance and act like the mature adult he knew he was supposed to be. But he was already at his wits end today thanks to a particularly graphic nightmare he had the night before about murdering Rin, and he found himself unable to handle Ko’s outburst.

“Just who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” Kakashi snapped. Ko gulped and winced back in fear. “See, here’s the thing. I’m the captain, you’re the subordinate. Don’t talk to me like that ever again.” A groan from Tenzo interrupted Kakashi’s tirade.

“Senpai, lighten up,” he said. “You’re literally bitching right now about Ko saying you bitch all the time.” Kakashi wanted to argue against Tenzo’s accusation but found that he could not. The man was right, after all. He was bitching about Ko.

“Fine, whatever,” Kakashi said finally, huffing. “Anyway, the mission. We’ll be going to Yukigakure to take out some criminal mobsters.”

“Yukigakure?!” Yugao whined, prompting Kakashi to roll his eyes. “That’s in the Land of Snow! It’s January, it’s going to be cold as tits!” Kakashi threw his arms up in frustration.

“Did I not say this was going to be a giant pain in the ass?” he said, annoyed at the fact that he’d had to repeat himself. If his team would just fucking  _ listen _ to him, they’d save so much damn time. “Alright, pack your cloaks, we leave in half an hour.” 

He turned on his heels and stomped out of the locker room, trying to release the feelings of annoyance that had been building inside of him all morning. He knew he should’ve been able to shake the dream by now, but Ko and Yugao certainly hadn’t helped matters. At least Tenzo was on this mission. He understood Kakashi better than anyone, and always knew what to say to calm him down.

Kakashi picked up some mission-related materials from the supply room and headed back towards the locker room. He was just about to open the door when it swung open and Tenzo emerged, almost bumping into him. 

“Oh, senpai,” he said in surprise. Kakashi noticed Tenzo was pursing his lips - a dead giveaway that he was upset. His clenched fists indicated that he was upset to the point of anger.

“What’s up?” Kakashi asked, his annoyance quickly fading into concern for his kohai. “You look like you want to punch someone in the face.” Tenzo sighed and unclenched his fists.

“No, just thinking about what I need to pack for our mission,” Tenzo said. Kakashi was certain he was lying, but decided not to press too hard. If Tenzo wanted to share with Kakashi, he would. He always did. Instead he simply hummed in response and went to pull open the locker room door. He wasn’t too surprised when Tenzo spoke up to stop him. “Uh, senpai?” he said. “Maybe you could be nicer to Ko.”

Whatever Kakashi had been expecting Tenzo to complain about, this certainly wasn’t it. He couldn’t stop the expression of surprise and incredulity that momentarily took over his face.

“Where’s this coming from?” he asked, flabbergasted. Tenzo shook his head.

“Nowhere,” he said. “Just ignore me.” Kakashi was about the shrug it off when a very annoying thought hit him - Ko had probably sent Tenzo to talk to Kakashi. Ko was exploiting Tenzo for his good relationship with their squad captain, and Tenzo - perfect human that he was - was too nice to turn him down. How dare Ko take advantage of Kakashi’s sweet, innocent, perfect, divine kohai. How  _ fucking dare  _ he.

“Did they put you up to this?!” Kakashi snapped. “Son of a bitch. I’ll show him just how nice I can be…” He went to pull open the door to find Ko and smash his big stupid head into a locker door when Tenzo reached out and grabbed his hand, stopping him.

“They didn’t!” he said. “I’m just saying, he’s a member of the team and you could be nicer to him.” Kakashi exhaled sharply. Of course Tenzo would pull the teamwork card on him. Kakashi was big on the value of working together as a team, but this was totally different. The way Kakashi felt about Ko outside of their missions was fair game.

“But I don’t like him,” he said simply. Tenzo rolled his eyes.

“You don’t like anyone,” he said. Kakashi was surprised to feel a little hurt by his kohai’s accusation.

“I like you,” he said. As soon as he said the words he regretted them. Kakashi spent a lot of time convincing himself and whatever universal power had control over his life that he  _ didn’t _ care about Tenzo. After all, he cared about his mother, father, Obito, Rin, Minato, and Kushina, too, and look how that had turned out for them.

“So Ko’s noticed,” Tenzo said. Kakashi looked up at him and noticed a faint (adorable, dammit) blush dusting his face. Suddenly, he understood. Ko hadn’t put Tenzo up to this, persay. He had just accused Kakashi of liking Tenzo more than the rest of the team. And for once, Kakashi wouldn’t argue with Ko.

“Mmm, I see,” he said, amused by the look of humiliation on Tenzo’s face. “Well, how could I not play favorites? You’re better than them.” 

“Senpai, you shouldn’t talk like that,” Tenzo said, somehow turning even redder than he already was. Kakashi chuckled and pulled open the door to the locker room.

“We’re shipping out in fifteen minutes now,” he said. “You better get packed, Tenzo.”

***

Cold temperatures didn’t usually bother Kakashi - he much preferred them over the heat and mugginess of warmer countries. But the freezing temperatures and blistering wind of the Land of Snow were even starting to get to him, though he had too much pride to show his discomfort in front of his team.

To distract himself from the weather, Kakashi busied himself with a new mission plan. This mission seemed to be supremely easy - breaking into a house and killing a few mobsters - and Kakashi thought it would be the perfect opportunity to teach Ko a lesson after the way he had upset Tenzo. And, you know, accused Kakashi of favoritism.

While Kakashi would never do anything to endanger the lives of his teammates or put the mission objective at risk, he figured there was no harm in a little psychological manipulation to get Ko to see the error of his ways. 

With his plan solidified in his mind, Kakashi held up his hand to stop his team.

“Alright, we’re almost there so get ready,” he said as his team members crowded around him. Tenzo’s nose was bright pink from the cold, a detail Kakashi couldn’t help but smile at. 

_ No, you’re on a mission, idiot, _ Kakashi thought to himself.  _ No distractions. _

“Slight change of plans,” he said. “Tenzo - you will provide backup if needed. Ko - you infiltrate the target location with me to eliminate the target.”

Kakashi didn’t miss the palpable shift in the air around them at his declaration. All three of his team members stared at him and while their expressions were hidden by their ANBU masks, Kakashi was sure they had incredulous looks on their faces.

“Are you sure about that, buntaicho?” Yugao said, sealing his suspicions. Kakashi was thankful his own ANBU mask hid his chuckle. A small part of his mind was screaming that he probably shouldn’t find this much enjoyment in gaslighting his team, but he shrugged it off. 

“Ko, are you prepared?” he asked, half expecting Ko to say no. 

“Yes, taicho,” he said a little hesitantly. Kakashi nodded.

“Well then, let’s go,” he said, turning around and running towards the target location.

The energy of the group had shifted significantly. Even without looking back at them, Kakashi could tell that Yugao and Ko were questioning his motives, and he could tell that Tenzo was upset. 

That was an aspect of this plan that Kakashi hadn’t considered, and he felt a pang of guilt as he realized his psychological manipulation of Ko was necessarily a manipulation of Tenzo, too. But it was too late to tell him now and besides, Tenzo wasn’t a very good actor. He’d never be able to fake upset enough to convince Ko something was actually off. 

Approximately eight minutes later, they arrived at the target location. 

“Tenzo, stay here,” Kakashi instructed. “We’ll signal if we need you.” Kakashi met Tenzo’s almond-shaped eyes behind his mask and felt them absolutely pleading with Kakashi to change his mind about this new plan. Before he lost his resolve, Kakashi turned and ran off towards the house with Yugao and Ko following behind.

The house was decently guarded, but Kakashi had accounted for that in the original plan. Yugao would stage a distraction to draw all the guards to herself, giving Kakashi and Ko the opportunity to slip in unnoticed. 

He looked at Yugao and nodded - they were too close to the house to speak comfortably now, so Kakashi relied on silent communication with his team. Yugao nodded and was gone. A short moment later Kakashi noticed a kunai flying towards the target location from about 9 o’clock relative to him - Yugao was smart enough not to draw the guards to Ko and Kakashi’s hiding spot. When the kunai landed on the ground by the house the attached paper bomb exploded.

Kakashi signalled for Ko to follow him as he ran off towards 3 o’clock. If Yugao was drawing all the guards towards her, they needed to slip in on the opposite side of the house. He sensed Ko following close behind. 

Once they were on the opposite side of the house, Kakashi signalled for them to stop. The plan seemed to have worked like a charm, as all four outdoor guards had run off to attack Yugao, and Kakashi had noticed two additional indoor guards come outside to attack her as well. He signalled for Ko to follow him again, and they dashed out of the trees towards the house. Without breaking his stride Kakashi leapt straight through a window, the sound of shattering glass announcing his presence. 

It was only by luck (though he’d never admit it) that he happened to land in the room where the target of their assassination plan was hiding from the ruckus outside. Alone and unguarded, he gaped at Kakashi in fear. 

“Hawk, do the honors,” Kakashi said to Ko. The man trembled back in fear as Ko descended on him but it was too late - he crumpled dead on the floor. 

“Got him?” 

Kakashi ripped his head up to see Yugao standing in the doorway. He nodded. Without further word, she took out a sealing scroll and sealed the mobster’s corpse inside. The three of them looked at each other for a moment before leaping back out of the window and running back towards the trees where Tenzo was waiting for them.

Tenzo’s chakra was absolutely humming with anticipation, which Kakashi silently decided he’d have to talk to him about later. He really should be keeping his chakra hidden during these missions. Although, realistically, it was Kakashi’s fault he was so worked up. After all, he was gaslighting him. 

Kakashi landed on a branch a few below Tenzo and looked up at him. His fists were clenched and he was standing up - it kind of looked like he was about to run into the house, honestly.

“Oi, Tenzo,” he said, waving at him. Tenzo gasped quietly and looked down. He dropped down to the branch they were on and looked up at Kakashi with undeniable relief in his eyes. Kakashi furrowed his brow - he had expected Tenzo to still be pissed at him, and it was confusing that he would look so happy just to see Kakashi.

“Done?” he asked, his voice wavering slightly. Kakashi nodded.

“Yep,” he said. “Let’s move out.” The four of them took off through the trees in the direction of the Land of Fire. 

The run back home still had a feeling of tension among the team members. While Tenzo had been relieved to see Kakashi initially, he could tell that his frustration with the situation had returned. Kakashi sighed. He felt pretty damn guilty about getting Tenzo all worked up. He really didn’t deserve it the same way Ko did. He decided he’d make it up to him by taking him out to dinner and actually paying for once. 

The feeling of someone running up next to him distracted Kakashi from his thoughts and he turned to see Ko racing to catch up with him.

“Hey taicho, can I talk to you for a minute?” 

“Seems I don’t have a choice,” Kakashi muttered.

“If you don’t mind my asking… did something happen with you and Tenzo? At home maybe?” Ko asked. Kakashi scrunched his face up in confusion.

“At home?” he asked. 

“Cause this mission felt a little off,” Ko continued, ignoring Kakashi’s question. “Of course I appreciate the opportunity to take a more active role in this mission, but as the medic I can’t help but feel I’m better suited to a less dangerous role.” 

“I appreciate your concern, Ko,” Kakashi said.

“And honestly,” Ko continued. “I feel like you were acting a little weird. I don’t know what Tenzo did but I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds when I say it shouldn’t affect our team dynamic.” Kakashi scoffed.

“You are overstepping your bounds, Ko,” he snapped. “And don’t you dare talk about Tenzo like that. Why you would assume my actions have anything to do with him is beyond me, but certainly placing the blame for a tense team dynamic on him is absolutely uncalled for.” Ko exhaled sharply.

“I don’t understand you, taicho,” he muttered. 

“Well, luckily you don’t have to,” Kakashi said. “As the captain of this squad, I can make decisions with or without your approval.” Ko scoffed.

“Well, with or without my approval,” he said. “I hope you know this particular decision upset Tenzo.” Kakashi whipped his head around to look at Ko. “I just talked to him and he’s not too happy you stuck him on backup duty.” Kakashi practically growled.

“Ko, it is in your best interest to shut the fuck up now,” he snarled. To his credit, Ko kept his mouth shut and fell back to run in line with Yugao.

***

Ko’s words had sent Kakashi into a pit of very strange and confusing emotions. On the one hand, he was absolutely outraged at Ko for being such an annoying idiot who didn’t understand chain of command  _ at all _ . But on the other hand, he felt so guilty for upsetting Tenzo. If Tenzo was upset enough to tell Ko of all people, it must be pretty bad. 

When they camped that night, Kakashi decided to give Tenzo a wide berth to avoid a confrontation. When Kakashi was upset with someone, the last thing he wanted was for that person to chat with him and spend a bunch of time with him. So he let Tenzo have his space, he didn’t try to engage in conversation with him, and he even slept on the opposite side of Yugao from Tenzo to give him some distance. On the run back home he kept quiet, trying to figure out a way to make it up to Tenzo and win his friendship back but coming up short. 

When they finally made it back to ANBU headquarters, Kakashi was feeling pretty damn upset. In his attempt to manipulate Ko he had gone and lost his best friend. While Ko and Tenzo went to the showers, Kakashi decided to go pick up the post-mission paperwork. He normally sweet talked Tenzo into doing it for him, but he decided the least he could do was his own work, seeing as how he’d already pissed Tenzo off. He entered the assignment room and waved lazily at the guard.

“Wow, surprised to see you here, Kakashi-san,” he said. Kakashi rolled his eyes.

“I work here,” he muttered. 

“Yeah but we normally expect to see Tenzo after a mission by Team Ro,” he said. “You doing your own paperwork this time? Guess there’s trouble in paradise.” Kakashi shook his head in confusion. 

“Trouble in paradise?” he asked. The guard laughed.

“Whatever you did to piss him off, I’m sure he’ll get over it,” he said. “Don’t worry about it too much.” Kakashi shrugged off the guard’s words as he grabbed the required papers and left the guard room, but he found himself somewhat soothed by the sentiment the guard had expressed. Tenzo was upset, yes. But if Kakashi just treated him like he always did, he’d get over it.

That conclusion put a little more pep in Kakashi’s step as he walked back to the locker room. He opened the door to find Tenzo sitting on the bench in front of his locker, pouting and staring at the ground. The idea that Kakashi had been the one responsible for that look almost broke him, but he remembered the guard’s words from before and decided to try to make things right. 

“Maa, don’t look so downtrodden,” he said, walking over to Tenzo and smiling to try to lighten the mood. It clearly didn’t work, as Tenzo let out a sigh that made him look absolutely depressed. Alarmed, Kakashi sat down next to him. “What’s wrong?” 

Tenzo looked over at Kakashi with big, sad eyes before sighing again and laying his head on Kakashi’s shoulder. 

“Can you go back to playing favorites now?” he said. Kakashi couldn’t help but laugh. Here he was worried that Tenzo was mad at him, but in reality Tenzo was upset because he thought Kakashi was the one who was mad. Typical.

“You’re still my favorite, Tenzo, don’t worry,” he said, squeezing Tenzo’s thigh supportively. “I was trying to prove a point to Ko. He acts like he doesn’t want me to give you special treatment, but he already told me that I was acting weird on this mission and he didn’t like it. So that should teach him to complain about me playing favorites.”

“You could have at least told me,” Tenzo said, finally sounding a little annoyed with Kakashi.

“Then you wouldn’t have acted all sad and depressed and Ko wouldn’t have felt so uncomfortable,” Kakashi said, smiling. 

The sound of the door to the showers opening as Ko entered the locker room distracted Kakashi, and he realized suddenly he was sitting where anyone could just walk in and see them. The feeling of Tenzo’s head on his shoulder and Kakashi’s hand on his thigh had seemed normal before but suddenly felt extremely awkward. Tenzo seemed to feel it too, because he ripped his head off of Kakashi’s shoulder and stood up. Kakashi couldn’t help but glare at Ko, who was looking back at them with a sheepish expression. Clearly he felt like he’d interrupted something. Kakashi walked up behind Tenzo at his locker and leaned forward to whisper in his ear.

“You want to get dinner?” he asked, low enough so Ko wouldn’t hear. Ko didn’t need to hear their whole conversation. Really it was rude of him to not have immediately run back into the showers to give them some privacy, especially since he was the one who had pointed out to Kakashi that Tenzo was upset with him. Tenzo nodded in response to the dinner invitation. “I still need to shower,” Kakashi said. “Why don’t I meet you at your apartment in a little bit?”

Tenzo spun around to face Kakashi, positioning himself mere inches from his face. It was kind of nice, and Kakashi found himself wishing he could close the short distance between them and kiss Tenzo.

_ No, Kakashi, you don’t care about him, _ he thought loudly in his mind, hoping the universe would hear.  _ It doesn’t mean anything.  _

“Sure senpai,” Tenzo said, seemingly oblivious to the internal battle waging in Kakashi’s brain. “Don’t make me wait too long.” Tenzo raised one eyebrow to emphasize his request, prompting a chuckling from Kakashi. Tenzo could be so sassy but in such a different way than Ko. When Ko was insubordinate it was extremely annoying and frustrating. When Tenzo was insubordinate it was extremely sexy and desirable and…

  
_ No, no no no! _ Kakashi thought, quickly turning and heading towards the showers without even taking his clothes off first.  _ It doesn’t mean anything, Kakashi. It doesn’t mean a damn thing. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter wasn't as 'insightful' into Kakashi as some of the other ones are... like this chapter was basically the same told from Kaka and Yam's perspectives so... sorry. :( The forthcoming chapters all feel a lot more insightful.


	3. Chapter 3

There were two kinds of dreams Kakashi found himself having on a regular basis these days. Most of the time, he dreamt of death. Of killing the people he loved: Rin, Obito, Minato-sensei, even people who were still alive. He often dreamt of his chidori slicing through Gai, or Asuma, or Yugao, or, god forbid, Tenzo. 

Those nights, Kakashi would wake up exhausted, as if sleeping was more tiring than waking. His whole day would be ruined, and he couldn’t stand to be around anyone but Tenzo. No amount of niceties or greetings or free dango could make him smile on those days.

The other kind of dream Kakashi found himself having lately was much more pleasant. And that was the dream he found himself enjoying on this particular night.

It started simply, as always. Tenzo was on his couch, laughing with the dogs. The sight of him smiling and enjoying himself was a pleasant enough dream by itself. But tonight his brain decided to be extra nice to make up for the misery it had put him through for years. This time, he walked over to the couch and sat down next to Tenzo. He put his hand on his face. He leaned forward and kissed him. He kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. And when he finally pulled away, Tenzo had only one thing to say:

“I love you, Kakashi.” 

Kakashi knew it was a dream, he knew it couldn’t possibly be real - there’s no way someone as pure and heavenly as Tenzo could ever love Friend-Killer Kakashi. But he let himself enjoy it. He let himself smile at dream Tenzo and tangle his fingers in his soft hair. He let himself memorize the lines of his lush lips and the way they pouted slightly in anticipation of another kiss. He let himself lean forward and whisper the words that sat constantly on the tip of his tongue day in and day out, the words he could never allow himself to say - 

“I love you too, Tenzo.” 

But it was just a dream.

The ringing of Kakashi’s alarm clock forced him to come back to reality, back to the world where Tenzo was just his kohai, and nothing more.

“You hear that, universe?” Kakashi said out loud to nobody. “He’s just my kohai, and nothing more.”

_ So please don’t take him from me. _

***

Kakashi practically skipped down the road to the training grounds. His dream had put him in a supremely good mood and he was satisfied he’d convinced the universe the dream was meaningless. It was a win-win. And on top of that, he was scheduled to train with Tenzo this morning.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in such good spirits. 

Kakashi showed up to the training grounds pretty close to on time and saw Tenzo sitting on a tree stump. Not wanting to ruin his reputation for always being late, Kakashi decided to mask his chakra and hide in the trees for a while. A small part of his brain felt slightly creepy for spying on the younger man, but he shrugged it off. 

After a couple minutes of shifting uncomfortably, Tenzo finally got up and produced a bench. Kakashi decided he had waited long enough to satisfy his reputation and hopped silently through the trees until he was just above Tenzo. He stared down at him - his eyes were closed, and Kakashi wondered for a moment if he had fallen back asleep. 

Chuckling to himself, Kakashi formulated a quick plan. Without warning, he fell out of the tree and landed on top of Tenzo, whose panicked jump-and-squeak reaction was very gratifying. 

“Good morning,” Kakashi said, his voice absolutely oozing. “I thought we could work on taijutsu today, so I figured I’d start off with the first win. Looks like you’re pinned, so I’ll go ahead and call this one.” Kakashi had expected Tenzo to roll his eyes in frustration, and he was confused when instead his pupils blew wide in what looked like fear.  

“Er… what about kenjutsu instead?” Tenzo said, his voice wavering. “I’m not so good at that.” Kakashi scrunched up his face in confusion. He had never given Tenzo a reason to be afraid of him. They’d sparred on numerous occasions - sometimes Kakashi won, sometimes Tenzo won, but neither of them ever got hurt. 

“Pffft, yes you are,” Kakashi said, trying to lighten the mood to ease Tenzo of whatever fear seemed to have taken hold of him. “Besides, what’s the problem? You afraid of losing?” 

“No, not really,” Tenzo said, sighing and looking somehow… defeated. 

“Okay then, let’s go,” Kakashi said. 

He jumped off of Tenzo and expected to him to follow, but turned to see him still laying on the bench with his eyes closed. He suddenly scrunched up his face in an unreadable expression - fear? Pain? 

“What’s wrong with you?” Kakashi finally asked, deciding Tenzo’s weird mood wouldn’t lift on its own.

“Nothing,” Tenzo said. “I had a weird dream last night, that’s all.” 

Kakashi understood. His good dream last night had certainly been unique, and more often than not it was Kakashi, not Tenzo, who was in a strange mood due to a nightmare. 

“Mmm, another nightmare?” Kakashi asked. Tenzo had nightmares pretty frequently - who could blame him, after what he’d been through - but he always seemed to handle them better than Kakashi. He handled everything better than Kakashi.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Tenzo said, sighing. Kakashi nodded in understanding - he hadn’t really expected Tenzo to want to talk in graphic detail about whatever horrible dream had plagued him the previous night. At this point, the only thing Kakashi could offer him was a distraction.

“Alright, well maybe a good ass kicking will help,” he said, extending his hand to help Tenzo up off the bench. He took it and Kakashi pulled him up, and the two of them walked out to the center of the training grounds. After making the symbolic hand gesture, Kakashi leaned forward in anticipation of Tenzo’s attack, but was surprised to find him instead leaping away.

_ Okay, this is definitely weird now, _ Kakashi thought to himself.  _ He’s downright scared of me for some reason. _

Distracted by his own concern for Tenzo, Kakashi was too slow to defend against his next attack. Tenzo kicked him from behind, knocking him forward. He used the momentum of his fall to spin around just in time to see Tenzo kicking at him again, and grabbed his leg to stop him. Tenzo jumped into the air and landed on Kakashi’s other side. Before he could fully regain his balance, Kakashi swung in a low kick and knocked Tenzo on his back. He leapt forward and sat on him to keep him down, grabbing his throat to make sure there was no confusion as to who had won the spar.

“Two for Kakashi,” he said. “You need to step up your game.” He released his grip on his kohai’s throat and looked down on him to find again the same expression of pure terror. Kakashi was about to jump up and free him - clearly he was uncomfortable with this spar and was afraid of Kakashi for some reason - when he felt something that indicated Tenzo was feeling something… other than fear. 

Tenzo must have known that Kakashi could feel his arousal, because he covered his bright red face with both hands.

“Whyyyyyyy,” he groaned. Kakashi crossed his arms over his chest and had to physically stop himself from laughing out loud. Here he had been all worried for Tenzo, thinking he had been terrified of Kakashi for whatever reason. But he wasn’t scared. He was so far from scared.

“Tenzo, when’s the last time you got some?” Kakashi asked, enjoying possibly a little too much the position of humiliation his kohai was in.

“It’s been a while,” Tenzo said, his voice muffled against his hands. Kakashi thought of his dream from the previous night and remembered the feeling of kissing Tenzo like his life depended on it. And now Tenzo was  _ clearly _ thinking about…  _ something  _ with Kakashi. Maybe they just needed to fuck and get it over with in order to move on with life.

_ Bad idea, Bakashi, _ he thought to himself.  _ You know damn well Tenzo will never just be a one night stand to you. _

He sighed in defeat. It was true - he’d never have his fill of Tenzo in just one night. He’d want him forever, and then the universe would inevitably take him from him. What they really needed was to fuck other people entirely and then move on with life.

“Alright, new plan,” Kakashi said suddenly, realizing a moment too late that the ‘old plan’ of fucking each other hadn’t ever been verbalized and therefore ‘new plan’ made no sense to Tenzo. “We’re going to the bar tonight and we’re not leaving until you have someone to go home with.”

Predictably, Tenzo looked horrified at that suggestion.

“What!” he exclaimed, ripping his hands off his face. “No! Kakashi, no. That’s a horrible idea.” 

Kakashi chuckled - he knew Tenzo would be resistant to this plan. He wasn’t the most social person, and neither was Kakashi. But this was clearly a desperate time for the two of them, and Kakashi was willing to suffer through talking to strangers at a bar if it meant the universe wouldn’t pluck Tenzo from his grasp. And besides, Kakashi was still in an unusually good mood. If ever there was a time for him to go out and be social, today was the day.

“How is it a horrible idea?” he said. “You clearly need to get some if a simple spar is causing… this.” The way Tenzo closed his eyes and groaned in humiliation was extremely satisfying.

“Senpai, get off me,” he said. “This is sexual harassment!” Kakashi couldn’t help but burst out laughing at that ridiculous assertion.

“Sexual harassment?” he said. “You’re the one whose dick is halfway up my ass!” As Tenzo pushed him onto the ground and stopped off, Kakashi had the decency to question if he had perhaps taken the joke a step too far and offended him, but he hadn’t the decency to stop laughing. 

“Tenzo, come back. I’m sorry, please come back,” he said, pushing off the ground and running after the brunet man. He was stomping away like a petulant child, arms crossed over his chest and face turned down in a comical scowl. “I’m sorry, I’m being a total jerk,” Kakashi said.

“Yes, you are,” Tenzo said. 

“But come on,” Kakashi said. “If the tables were turned, you’d be doing the same thing!” Tenzo scoffed and looked at him with an expression of annoyance.

“Would I?” he said. Kakashi thought about it. If the tables were turned and Tenzo had pinned Kakashi in a, well…  _ delicate _ position, Kakashi would definitely be embarrassed. But Tenzo would also be embarrassed. He’d probably get up and run away from the training grounds forever.

“No, you’re right,” Kakashi said thoughtfully. “You’d still somehow manage to be the humiliated one.” Tenzo groaned and started stomping away again. Kakashi ran after him again.

“It’s not that big a deal, Tenz,” he said, putting his hand on Tenzo’s shoulder to stop him. Clearly the joke had run its course, and he was to the point of actually offending Tenzo if he kept it up. He decided instead to try to make him feel less embarrassed. “Seriously, it’s not. It happens. To everyone.” 

“Really, everyone?” Tenzo said skeptically. “Because it’s never happened to me before today.”

“Yes, everyone,” Kakashi said. “As far as I understand, it pretty much happens to Gai every single time he spars.”

“That absolutely does not make me feel better,” Tenzo said. “And I don’t want to hear that at all, actually.” Kakashi sighed, exasperated. 

“It’s happened to me before,” he said, in a poorly thought out attempt to make Tenzo feel better. Tenzo finally stopped walking and looked back at Kakashi with one eyebrow raised.

“Really?” he said. “With who?” 

_ Oh shit. _

Kakashi wished he had a Rewind Jutsu that would enable him to undo the events of the last 15 seconds. Why would he offer up that particular tidbit of information when he knew damn well the only person who had that effect on him was Tenzo? 

When Kakashi had talked about turning the tables, he hadn’t intended to do so himself. 

“No one, that doesn’t matter,” Kakashi finally said. “I’m just saying it happens.” It was a flimsy argument and Kakashi knew it, and he wasn’t surprised when Tenzo didn’t let him off the hook.

“Kakashi, who was it with?” 

It would probably be inappropriate to use the ANBU’s inferno suicide technique just to get out of an awkward situation, right?

“Gai?” Tenzo guessed. Kakashi almost laughed.

“What? No!” he said. He had never once even considered Gai romantically, though he could see why people would think that. They did spend a lot of time together.

“Me?” Tenzo asked, his voice sounding like a laugh. 

Kakashi had two options: admit it was indeed Tenzo and create a very awkward situation, or lie to his best friend’s face. While he was a pretty good liar, he felt fairly confident that the bright red color spreading across his whole face had already given Tenzo his answer.

“Guess we both need to find someone to take home tonight,” he said finally.

“Shall we continue?” Tenzo asked. Kakashi looked down at him to find him smiling reassuringly and holding his hand out to Kakashi. Kakashi couldn’t help but grin. He really was lucky that Tenzo was a whole heck of a lot nicer than he was. Tenzo was pretty damn perfect.

“If you think you can handle it,” Kakashi said, slapping Tenzo lightly on the arm before taking his hand and heading back out onto the training field. 

***

Kakashi had been very serious in his invitation to take Tenzo to the bar in order to find him someone to hook up with for the night, but now that he was at the bar he found himself incapable of suggesting actual viable candidates. Every time someone entered the bar who looked like the type of person Tenzo would actually go for, Kakashi got a knot in his stomach. 

So instead if suggesting practical partners, Kakashi had taken to irritating the ever living hell out of his kohai by suggesting everyone in the bar who  _ wasn’t _ Tenzo’s type.

“How about that guy?” he said, nodding vaguely in the direction of a fat old man who had just lumbered over to the bar. Tenzo turned around and scoffed.

“He’s more your type,” he said, spinning back around quickly. Kakashi chuckled, but didn’t miss the fleeting look of annoyance on Tenzo’s face. Okay, maybe Tenzo had had enough. After all, the only reason he was at the bar was because Kakashi had practically manhandled him through the streets of town to get there, and now Kakashi was spending the whole night fucking with him.

_ Why does Tenzo even hang out with me,  _ Kakashi thought.  _ I’m such a dick to him. _

Feeling guilty for his actions, Kakashi decided to cool it with the jokes and make an actual suggestion. His eyes landed on a pretty girl at the bar. He had noticed her as soon as she walked in - he wasn’t into girls, but Tenzo was and she was just his type. Brunette, cute… that was about all Kakashi knew about Tenzo’s type.

“What about her?” Kakashi said, nodding towards the girl. Tenzo turned around begrudgingly, then shrugged.

“Not bad,” he said. “Why don’t you go for her?” Kakashi scoffed. He could hear the subtext in Tenzo’s words clear as day:  _ what’s wrong with her? _

“Tenzo, I’m gay,” Kakashi said, although he was certain Tenzo knew that. “We’ve been over this before.” Tenzo shrugged again but remained silent, which Kakashi took as an acceptance of the girl he’d chosen for her. “I’m going to call her over here for you.”

Kakashi waved at the girl for about one second before Tenzo’s hand slammed his down onto the table. Kakashi looked at him in confusion - she was his type after all, so he didn’t know what his deal was - but it was too late. The girl was already at their table.

“Hello,” she said.

“Hi there,” Kakashi said. Awkward silence ensued. “Uh… haaaaave you met Tenzo?” Tenzo waved and flashed her the world’s most awkward smile, which looked more like a grimace. Kakashi rolled his eyes.

“No, I haven’t,” the girl said, turning to shake Tenzo’s hand. “I’m Kyoko.” To his credit, Tenzo shook the girl’s hand like a normal human.

“Nice to meet you,” he said. 

Kakashi felt the level of awkwardness increase by the second as the three of them all remained silent, staring at each other, waiting for someone else to talk first. Kakashi tried telepathy -  _ SAY SOMETHING, YOU IDIOT!  _ \- but Tenzo didn’t seem to be able to pick up on it. He tried kicking his foot under the table, but Tenzo must have been sitting with his legs on the goddamn bench because Kakashi couldn’t find them anywhere. 

Finally, the awkwardness was too much for Kakashi.

“Would you like a drink?” he said. “Uh… Tenzo is buying.” If looks could kill, Tenzo would’ve murdered Kakashi in that moment. Kyoko laughed - as she should have, it was an absolutely ridiculous statement. 

“I’m actually meeting someone here, but thanks for the offer,” she said. Kakashi didn’t believe her, but at least she was letting Tenzo down gently. 

“Oh, okay,” he said. “Well, see you around.” As she turned and left, Kakashi cursed himself for the feeling of relief that had washed over him at the knowledge that Tenzo wouldn’t be taking her home.

“Senpai,” Tenzo said in a very accusatory tone. “Were you flirting with her for me? I don’t think that’s a very effective strategy.” Kakashi groaned and shook his head. Of course Tenzo would talk about flirting ‘strategy’ like it was a goddamn battle plan. What’s next, courses of action? Analysis of competing hypotheses? The fucking OODA Loop of dating???

“Well, I don’t either,” Kakashi snapped. “But clearly someone has to, because you’re not doing a good job of flirting on your own.” Tenzo rolled his eyes. 

“Senpai, can we please just go home?” he said. For a microsecond, Kakashi thought Tenzo meant they should go home together, and he felt a ridiculous surge of hope and joy. “I really don’t want to take anyone home tonight,” Tenzo continued. Kakashi took a sip of his drink in order to hide his deflated expression. 

“Really? Cause you seemed so eager earlier,” he said, resorting to teasing to hide his own bruised pride. It backfired, and Tenzo looked justifiably angry.

“Fuck!” he said. “That does it, I’m leaving.” As he jumped out of the booth and started for the door, Kakashi quickly fished in his hip pouch for the money to pay for their drinks so he could run after him and apologize. Before he could scoot out of the booth, though, Tenzo had struck up conversation with Genma. 

Pure rage flared up in Kakashi’s chest like a dragon at the sight of Tenzo and Genma chatting. Kakashi was well aware that Genma was Tenzo’s fuck buddy, and he wasn’t too happy with the situation. He told himself it was because Tenzo was better than Genma, or because Genma was way too old for Tenzo. He refused to admit it had anything to do with jealousy.

Genma slung his arm over Tenzo’s shoulder, looking like a drunken buffoon. Rather than pushing him away, though, Tenzo snaked one arm around his waist. After a moment he turned and waved goodbye to Kakashi. 

Kakashi tried, he really tried, but he couldn’t muster up the energy to wave back.

***

Kakashi had left the bar not too long after Tenzo and had trudged back to his apartment alone. As he sat on the couch in the dark, his mind was oh-so-helpfully providing very vivid images of the acts that Tenzo and Genma were likely performing, and it made him want to punch the nearest object. He stood up and reared his hand back to punch the wall. 

“Boss! What are you doing?” 

Kakashi turned to see Pakkun barking at him. He had forgotten the ninken were still at his apartment. They often stayed there when Kakashi was in between missions instead of returning to their summoning location. 

“Uh, just stretching,” Kakashi lied, awkwardly turning the punch into a fake stretch. Pakkun rolled his eyes.

“Go to bed, kid,” he said. Kakashi sighed. Before his father died, the ninken had always called him ‘kid.’ Now that he was the boss, they only resorted to calling him kid when he was acting like one. 

“Fine,” he muttered, stomping off towards his bedroom, fully aware that he was continuing to act like a child. He stripped off his clothes and fell backwards onto the bed, comforted only slightly when the dogs jumped up to cuddle with him.

He lay awake for several hours, listening as the hustle and bustle of Konoha’s nightlife slowly dwindled down to silence. All the while, he could only picture the way Tenzo had snaked his arm around Genma’s waist. Why didn’t he ever put his arms around Kakashi? Tenzo and Kakashi had been friends for years. Realistically, why  _ hadn’t _ they gotten together yet?

_ Because he doesn’t like you, _ Kakashi’s mind helpfully provided.  _ He barely tolerates you as a friend. The thought of being with you disgusts him. _

He tried to shake away the intrusive thoughts, but they were pervasive. 

_ Tenzo is perfect. Tenzo could never love you.  _

Kakashi sighed. What did it matter if Tenzo never loved him? It was better for everyone that way. After all, Kakashi tried dutifully to protect Tenzo from the curse that was being loved by Kakashi - it was really a success that the two of them had never fallen for each other.

_ That’s a lie, you fell for him a long time ago. _

Kakashi squeezed his eyes shut hard, as if he could stop the thought from escaping his mind and wafting up to the universe.

“No I didn’t,” he said aloud, prompting the dogs to jump in surprise. “It doesn’t mean anything, you hear me?!” 

“Kid, go to sleep,” Pakkun said. Kakashi sighed. Hopefully the universe was successfully convinced. He closed his eyes and felt himself finally drifting off to sleep.

He was surprised to find that his mind was being kind to him two nights in a row and was producing yet another pleasant dream. Again, Tenzo was sitting on a couch. The dogs were missing, but he still looked so happy. He was looking at Kakashi - was he really enough to make Tenzo that happy? Kakashi walked over and sat down next to him, and Tenzo snaked his arms around Kakashi’s waist. It felt just as amazing as Kakashi expected. He leaned forward and kissed Tenzo like he had the night before - he kissed him like he might never get the chance again because, really, he may never. 

Tenzo pulled back from the kiss and smiled.

“I love you Tenzo,” Kakashi said, willing the universe to not hear his dream. Tenzo lifted his hand and placed it gingerly on Kakashi’s cheek. His eyes were full of passion, his smile full of comfort. Kakashi closed his eyes to savor the moment. 

“I love you too, Genma.”

Kakashi awoke with a start, sitting up so quickly that the dogs tumbled around on the bed, whining in discomfort. 

“Boss, calm down, it was just a nightmare!” Pakkun said. Kakashi felt himself hyperventilating and tried to take a few deep breaths to calm down. “There you go,” Pakkun said. “Easy does it.”

As his heart rate returned to normal, he found himself incapable of lying to himself or to the universe anymore. It was clear as day now, there was no way around it: he cared about Tenzo way too much.


	4. Chapter 4

“Alright, we have another mission tomorrow, but that’ll just be a two-man team,” Kakashi said mostly to himself as he read off the mission scroll. The rest of Team Ro was gathered around him looking pretty bored and he couldn’t blame them - there weren’t any big missions assigned to them.

“So, you and Tenzo will do that mission,” Ko said flatly, as if he had the authority to make such a decision. Kakashi jerked his head up to stare at him with as much menace as he could pour into his one exposed eye.

“I’m the captain, I’ll make the assignments,” he spat. Ko annoyingly held up his hands in surrender, a fitting posture for such a coward of a man.

“Sorry, taicho,” he said. Kakashi realized a moment too late that he had set himself up in a trap. Ko had correctly guessed who would be assigned on this mission - Kakashi and Tenzo. If Kakashi made that assignment now, would it look like he was deferring to Ko’s wisdom (or lack thereof)? Kakashi briefly considered reassigning the mission to himself and Yugao, but shook away the thought. Kakashi was prideful, but not so much that he was willing to jeopardize the success of a mission.

“So… me and Tenzo will do that mission,” he said finally, a little sheepishly. He was thankful his ever-present mask hid the faint blush on his cheeks. Yugao and Ko groaned, but Tenzo let out an adorable giggle. Kakashi glanced over at him and couldn’t help but grin at his cute expression. “Alright, that’s all,” he said, in much better spirits. “Yugao and Ko, you’re dismissed. Tenzo, stay behind so we can discuss tomorrow’s mission.” 

Yugao and Ko left, thankfully without another word from Ko, and Kakashi was left alone in the locker room with Tenzo. Kakashi rolled up the mission scroll and tapped it lightly against the top of his kohai’s head, satisfied by the adorable way he scrunched up his face. 

“We’ll need to leave pretty early tomorrow,” Kakashi said. “This mission will be outside of Kusagakure. If we leave early tomorrow we can complete the mission and return home within the week.” 

“Yes, senpai,” Tenzo said. Kakashi knew what the next logical statement would be: he should invite Tenzo to stay at his apartment tonight. They’d done so many times before for the sake of early mission. It wasn’t exactly a secret that Kakashi hated waking up early, so any chance he got to sleep in a little later was welcome. But suddenly, the thought of inviting Tenzo to stay at his apartment felt dangerous. It felt like an admission of something he wasn’t ready to share. He knew he was being ridiculous, though, and that Tenzo would probably think he was mad at him if he  _ didn’t _ invite him over. 

Kakashi decided it was better to just suck it up and hope that both Tenzo and the universe didn’t look too far into the invitation. He didn’t trust himself to not blush at the words though, so he pushed off the lockers and walked towards the door, checking once to make sure Tenzo was behind him before opening his mouth.

“You, uh... want to just stay at my place tonight so we can leave directly from there without having to meet up somewhere first?” he asked, hating the way his face burned hot. Tenzo seemed to hesitate before answering.

“Yeah, sounds good, senpai,” he said finally. Kakashi let out a breath and tried to play it off like it was no big deal.

“Cool,” he said, unsure if he had ever actually used that word before and questioning its use now. “Let’s pack and then you can come over afterwards. I’ll make dinner if you want.” Kakashi heard Tenzo stop walking behind him.

“You don’t have to do that,” Tenzo said. “I can come over after dinner.” Kakashi turned around to face him, baffled by his response. Tenzo never passed up an opportunity to eat Kakashi’s cooking before. The man sucked at cooking for himself and if Kakashi didn’t feed him, he survived on takeaway meals and food pills. What could’ve happened to make him  _ not _ want Kakashi’s meal?

_ He hates your cooking, _ Kakashi’s brain thought rudely.  _ He hates everything about you. _

“Why? I thought you loved my cooking,” he asked, hating the whiny tone he hadn’t been able to fully mask. 

“Of course I do,” Tenzo said, not fully convincing Kakashi. “I just don’t want to be a burden on you.” Kakashi chuckled. Tenzo, a burden. As if. Tenzo was the only thing that kept him sane half the time. He was anything but a burden. 

“You’re never a burden on me, Tenz,” he said. “Just come over for dinner. I have to make sure you eat something other than food pills.” Tenzo chuckled. 

“Okay senpai,” he said. Kakashi quickly turned away and continued out of the locker room, hoping he had hidden the silly grin that was fighting for control of his face. They walked out of ANBU headquarters and down the path through town, and Kakashi was a little sad to see Tenzo go when he turned off towards his own apartment. Kakashi continued on to his own apartment in silence, thinking about what food he had at home to cook. He remembered he had purchased some fresh fish that morning, and decided that would make a decent dinner for the two of them.

Kakashi opened the door to his apartment and couldn’t hold back a grin at the sight of eight dogs running to greet him, their paws sliding on the slick wooden floor of his apartment as they toppled into each other in their excitement.

“Calm down,” he said, laughing. “It’s just me.” After getting in their fair share of licks and pets, the dogs calmed down enough to allow Kakashi to walk into the kitchen and take out the ingredients for dinner.

He started cooking the fish on the stove and his apartment quickly heated up to an uncomfortable temperature. That was one problem with his tiny apartment - every time he cooked, it got extremely hot.

“Bull, keep an eye on the stove,” he commanded before walking away from the kitchen. He stripped off his clothes in his bedroom and folded them neatly before returning to the stove to find Bull sleeping in front of it, not watching it at all. He rolled his eyes and muttered something about the “useless animal” before tending to the stove himself.

“Tenzo’s here,” Pakkun announced lazily from the couch. Kakashi stepped away from the stove just long enough to pull the door open and find Tenzo standing outside. 

“Pakkun smelled you coming,” he said without looking back at the doorway. Tenzo didn’t respond. He heard him and Pakkun chatting quietly about something - probably about how much more they loved each other than Kakashi considering how the dogs always acted around Tenzo - before the door shut. “Fish’ll be ready in a little bit.” 

The sound of Tenzo’s footsteps disappeared into Kakashi’s bedroom, then returned a little while later, followed by the  _ fwump _ of him sitting on the sofa.

_ He’s mad at me, _ Kakashi thought to himself.  _ He hasn’t even said hello. He can’t even stand to talk to me. _

He heard Pakkun and Tenzo chatting again, which irritated him more than it should considering Pakkun was a dog. But if Tenzo was talking to the dog and not him - he must have really done something wrong.

He opened his mouth a few times to ask Tenzo what he had done to upset him, but lost his courage each time and finally gave up altogether. What did it matter. If Tenzo finally hated him, it could only mean he came to his senses.

Kakashi realized the fish on the stove was almost overcooked and that the rice cooker had gone off long ago. He served up two plates and walked over to the couch.

“Alright, dinner’s ready,” he said, handing a plate to Tenzo. Tenzo didn’t even so much as say thank you. 

They ate in silence, but Kakashi didn’t miss the way Tenzo kept glancing over at him from the corner of his eye. It looked like he wanted to say something - Kakashi could only assume he wanted to scold Kakashi for something - but he never did. He kept his mouth shut the whole time. Kakashi was starting to think it actually would be better if Tenzo yelled at him, rather than giving him the cold shoulder like this. 

As they finished their dinner, Kakashi decided he couldn’t take any more of the silence Tenzo was throwing his way and figured he could get away with calling it a night in favor of the mission.

“We should get to bed,” he said. “It’s early, but we have to wake up pretty soon.” 

“Yes, senpai,” Tenzo said.  _ Yes senpai. _ The only two words he’d uttered since he showed up to Kakashi’s apartment. He hated Kakashi so much he couldn’t even bring himself to say the man’s  _ name. _

Kakashi sighed. He didn’t like Tenzo being mad at him. Tenzo was his best friend. 

“I think I took the bed last time. You can have it this time. I’ll sleep out here,” Kakashi said, hoping that was enough to win back his kohai’s affection. Tenzo practically choked.

“No!” he screamed. Kakashi looked over at him in confusion. Word three - “no” - shouted at Kakashi like he was an enemy. What the fuck had happened since they left ANBU headquarters?! “I mean, no, that’s okay,” Tenzo continued, softer. “I’ll take the couch.”

“Suit yourself,” Kakashi said curtly, too emotionally drained to argue with him. They got up and washed their dishes - in silence, of course - before Kakashi had nothing left to do but go to bed. 

“Alright well, goodnight,” he said, resigned to the fact that Tenzo wasn’t going to tell him what was bothering him.

“Night, senpai,” he replied.  _ Senpai. _ The word started to feel less like an honorific and more like a wedge between them each time Tenzo said it. Kakashi rolled his eyes and went into his bedroom. Akino, Shiba, and Pakkun stayed out on the couch with Tenzo, since they were all apparently best buddies. Even though the other five dogs chose to sleep with Kakashi, the sting of the three traitors still hurt.

Kakashi fell back onto his bed and sighed. Tenzo must be a mind reader. Orochimaru had given him the ability to do wood style, so what else could he do? If he could read minds, that would certainly explain his actions this evening. After all, it had only been a couple days since Kakashi had finally admitted to himself and, begrudgingly, the universe that he cared  _ way _ too much about Tenzo. He would do anything for him. He would _ die _ for him. And he certainly daydreamed a little too much about kissing him. 

Tenzo must’ve been able to read those thoughts and was trying to push Kakashi away, to gently let him down. 

_ That’s ridiculous, Bakashi,  _ he thought to himself.  _ If Tenzo could read minds, you’d know. _

_ Or would I, _ he thought from another place in his mind. He tried to shake away the competing voices.

“Bull,” he whispered. He heard the dog grunt sleepily. “Do you think Tenzo can read minds?” Bull huffed.

“What the fuck, Kakashi,” he said. “Go to sleep.” 

***

Three days later, Kakashi found himself on the last leg of their journey to their mission. He was pretty upset with the way the trip had gone thus far - Tenzo had been more distant than ever, hardly speaking to him or smiling, save for one time he laughed at Kakashi for knocking a bunch of water all over their campsite. 

Whatever was bothering Tenzo - Kakashi still hadn’t ruled out the mind reading thing yet - was clearly affecting him more than ever.

As they approached the target location, Kakashi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Tenzo being upset was one thing, but Kakashi couldn’t have both of them being distracted during this mission. Granted, it was supposed to be a pretty easy mission, but still. Clouded minds led to clouded judgement, and clouded judgement led to dead soldiers.

So he pushed all thoughts of Tenzo the man from his mind and instead focused only on Cat the ANBU. 

“Alright, looks like we’re here,” he said finally, as they approached a large wooden house in the woods. Intelligence indicated a minion of Orochimaru lived here and was currently away on business, and Kakashi and Cat were to break into the house and steal as much information as possible. “Ready?”

“Yes senpai,” Cat said. Kakashi nodded and leapt forward towards the house. 

Kakashi had expected at least a little resistance to getting in the house, maybe a trip wire or alarm, but there wasn’t so much as a fucking fence. They walked right in the front door, and Kakashi immediately felt a pit of dread form in him stomach. Something was wrong, something was  _ off,  _ but he couldn’t figure out what. He signalled to Cat that he’d survey the downstairs and was pleased when the other ANBU took to the stairs to search the second floor. 

The downstairs was pretty open-concept. Kakashi found himself in a great room that consisted of pieces belonging to a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen. It was immaculately clean, and Kakashi didn’t have much hope he’d find anything useful. He rifled through some drawers anyway, though, trying to be the good soldier for Konoha that he was expected to be.

His eyes landed on a doorway on the other side of the room, and he quietly walked over and pulled it open to find a powder room. Surely this man wasn’t keeping valuable intelligence in the bathroom. 

The hairs on the back of Kakashi’s neck stood up and he turned, feeling as though someone had just walked behind him. He looked around but saw no one. 

_ Leave it to Orochimaru to have creepy associates, _ he thought, deciding the house must just be haunted or something.

Suddenly, a voice from upstairs rang out clear as day. 

“What are you doing here?” Kakashi heard it say. It was definitely not Ten-  _ Cat’s  _ voice, and it didn’t sound too friendly either. The sound of a scuffle ensued, and Kakashi heard Cat screaming. Fear gripped Kakashi’s heart. Tenzo -  _ Cat _ \- was an exceptional shinobi. Nothing rattled him. If he was screaming with this level of fear in his voice, something must be wrong.

Kakashi ran out of the bathroom and up the stairs, sensing for Tenzo - Cat’s chakra. 

_ No, fuck it, _ he thought to himself.  _ He’s Tenzo. He’s a man, not a weapon, and I have to save him. _

He found Tenzo’s presence in a room to his right and ran up to the doorway to find him engaged in a heated battle with what appeared to be a child. 

“Tenzo, what’s going on here?” he said. Before he could finish his sentence, Tenzo had killed the child. He had sent a spear of wood straight through his heart. Kakashi stared in surprise, lost for words. Tenzo had killed a  _ child. _ What the fuck could’ve possibly happened?

Kakashi’s wordless spell was broken when a strangled cry of absolute pain escaped from Tenzo. 

“Come on, let’s go,” Kakashi said. Tenzo didn’t respond. “Cat - Tenzo, whoever you are, let’s just fucking go!” Tenzo was on his knees in the middle of the room, still not responding. Kakashi ran over and grabbed him by the chin, forcing him to look into Kakashi’s eyes. “I said, let’s go! Whatever we already have is enough.” He still seemed entranced, so Kakashi grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him to standing, then dragged him out of the house as quickly as possible. The feeling of dread from before hadn’t fully faded after the boy died, and Kakashi wondered what other little surprises were waiting for them in that house of horrors. The only thing on his mind was getting as far away from there as possible. That, and a whole boatload of concern for his kohai. 

Kakashi figured he must have officially lost his mind. It had been a good run, but he was crazy now. Because insanity was the only reason he could figure that he would be this fucking scared for another person during an ANBU mission. He had essentially abandoned their mission - hopefully Tenzo had gotten some intel, because Kakashi sure hadn’t. 

But he couldn’t really bring himself to care. In the world of regular shinobi, it probably made sense to save Tenzo at the expense of the mission. Probably. That’s what Obito would say, anyway. It was just ANBU that expected their soldiers to let their teammates die if need be. 

But no one else was here. No Yugao, no Ko. No other ANBU to stare at him with that look of disappointment that followed him everywhere he went. There was only Tenzo, poor broken Tenzo. Kakashi had never seen his kohai in this bad of shape before. 

When they were finally a safe distance away from the house, Kakashi stopped running and rested his hand softly on Tenzo’s cheek.

“Tenzo, what happened?” he whispered. Tenzo’s eyes shot up to meet his and suddenly his whole demeanor changed. He stood up at attention and let his eyes glass over with the distance they always had during a mission.

“He was going to kill you,” he said. “I couldn’t allow that to happen.”

Good little Tenzo. Perfect soldier of Konoha. Murdering a child to protect his senpai. Kakashi nodded. He understood. The lines between what was right morally and what was right for Konoha were often miles apart.

“We should keep moving until nightfall,” he said, focused only on getting Tenzo as far away from that house of horrors as he could. Tenzo nodded - stoic as ever - and the two ran off towards Konoha. 

***

Three days later, Kakashi and Tenzo were finally walking through the main gates of Konoha, having at least somewhat successfully completed their mission. Tenzo had remained quiet during the return trip, but Kakashi wasn’t so vain to assume it had anything to do with him anymore. Mind reader or not, Tenzo was upset about the mission. Clearly.

As they walked into ANBU headquarters, Tenzo had a look in his eye that led Kakashi believe that he was doing everything in his power just to remain standing. Kakashi had felt that exact way many times before - he was the one who usually fell apart after a mission, not Tenzo - and he couldn’t stand the idea of leaving his kohai alone that night. 

Kakashi quickly stripped off his clothes and followed behind Tenzo as he went into the showers. He found him standing in the stream of water so hot it was turning his skin red - a sign Kakashi immediately recognized as Tenzo’s way of trying to wash off whatever emotions he was feeling. It wasn’t unlike the way Kakashi would scrub his hands until they bled.

But while Kakashi rarely had anyone around to stop him from scrubbing his skin off, he couldn’t stand by and watch his friend burn himself.

“You’re going to give yourself third-degree burns, Tenz,” he said, turning the water down to a manageable temperature. Tenzo turned it back up even hotter than before. “Tenzo…”

“No, Kakashi,” he said. “Let it burn me.” Kakashi had to remind himself that the disdain in his voice was directed at himself, not Kakashi. He reached over and turned the water temperature back down and was pleased that Tenzo didn’t fight him a second time. 

Kakashi tried to shower as quickly as possible but Tenzo was quicker, and he was already dressed and leaving the locker room by the time Kakashi got out of the showers. Kakashi panicked. He couldn’t let Tenzo go home alone - not when he was clearly teetering on the edge of despair. 

“Hey, uh… do you want to get dinner?” he asked.

“Maybe later, senpai,” Tenzo whispered without turning around. He pushed open the door to the locker room. 

“Well uh… will you help me with the mission report tonight?” he asked. If hanging out as friends wouldn’t keep Tenzo by his side, maybe working together as senpai and kohai would. 

“Tomorrow, senpai,” he whispered, his voice weak. “Please… just tomorrow.” 

Then he was gone. Kakashi sat down on the bench by his locker, defeated. Part of him briefly considered running after Tenzo, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. More often than not, he was the one pushing everyone away. Could he really fault Tenzo for acting the same way he had for years?

Kakashi sighed and got dressed before quickly heading straight to his apartment. His gnawing worry for Tenzo had killed any appetite he should have had, considering he hadn’t eaten any real food in days. He chose instead to focus on the heavy exhaustion he felt from their mission. He summoned the dogs (he hated sleeping alone when he didn’t have to - the nightmares somehow seemed worse in a cold, vacant bed) and fell back onto his bed.

“Come on, Boss,” Pakkun said, nudging at his leg. “Just change clothes and brush your teeth and then you can go to bed.” Kakashi sighed. 

“I’m too tired for that, Pakkun,” he said. Pakkun nudged harder.

“It’ll just be five minutes, kid,” he said. “Then you can sleep.” Kakashi groaned and begrudgingly stood up, stripping off his clothes and brushing his teeth for much less than the recommended two minutes. He finally made his way back to his room and fell down on the bed again, followed shortly by several dogs.

“Pakkun, something’s wrong with Tenzo,” he mumbled sleepily. “We need to check on him tomorrow.” 

“Okay kid,” Pakkun replied. “I won’t forget. Just go to sleep and we’ll deal with it in the morning.” 

Kakashi fell into a restless sleep, hovering on the border of consciousness as his anxiety about Tenzo weighed heavily on his mind. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Tenzo in such bad shape after a mission. He’d come back upset many a time, but he normally wanted to spend time with Kakashi on those occasions. He never pushed him away. Whatever happened in that house must have really dredged up some painful memories for Tenzo.

It didn’t take much to wake him from his troubled sleep a few hours later. Pakkun’s voice was barely a whisper, but he heard it clear as day.

“Tenzo’s at your door,” he said. Kakashi rolled out of bed - somehow more exhausted than before - and stumbled to the front door in a daze. He pulled it open to find Tenzo there, his hand up as if he were about to knock, staring at Kakashi with a mixed expression of confusion and pain. 

“Pakkun smelled you coming,” Kakashi said, his voice gravely from sleep. “Come on.” 

Kakashi turned and went back into his apartment. He wasn’t sure what Tenzo  _ wanted  _ from him, but he knew what he needed. He needed the same thing Kakashi found himself needing more and more often after a bad mission. He just needed someone to be with him.

He heard Tenzo’s footsteps stop by the couch, as if Kakashi was going to make him sleep out there alone. Typical Tenzo, always the most proper house guest - even in the midst of a breakdown. Kakashi grabbed his hand and dragged him into the bedroom.

“Bed,” he ordered sleepily. “Sleep.” Tenzo obeyed silently. As Kakashi followed him, he was too tired to remember that Tenzo had been mad at him before their mission. He was too exhausted to care that he shouldn’t be in love with his kohai. All he knew was that Tenzo needed him, and he had every intention of being there for him in any way he could.

He laid next to the younger man and pulled him onto his chest, wrapping his arms loosely around him. Kakashi could feel Tenzo’s racing heartbeat slow and his shallow breaths return to normal as he let himself melt into Kakashi. This was what he had needed, too. He had needed Kakashi to be with him.

But it wasn’t enough to stave off the breakdown. Tenzo suddenly let out a whimper that turned into a sob. Kakashi felt Tenzo push his face into his chest, trying to muffle the sound of his crying. Kakashi never knew his heart could hurt so badly for someone else’s pain. Tenzo - his Tenzo, his divine Tenzo - should never have to feel this way. Kakashi wished he could take the pain from him; he’d gladly feel it himself if it meant Tenzo would be free of this misery. He squeezed him tighter, trying to pull the despair from the younger man and transfer it to himself. 

What could have happened to make him this upset? Tenzo, perfect Tenzo, who always held everything together - something had made him crawl to Kakashi’s apartment in the middle of the night and sob on his chest. Kakashi wished he knew what it was - he’d find it and kill it, smash it to bits, rip it apart. He’d do anything it took to bring the light back to those big brown eyes. 

Eventually, Tenzo’s sobs faded back to breathy whimpers and sniffles. He waited until Tenzo’s breathing had stopped shuddering before daring to speak.

“What happened, Tenz?” he asked quietly. 

“I killed him,” Tenzo whispered. “He was me, and I killed him.” 

Kakashi didn’t understand, but he didn’t ask any more questions. The fact that Tenzo had answered at all was enough to make him feel better - if he was talking, he’d be okay. Whatever had hurt him, Kakashi could deal with it later. And whether Tenzo was mad at Kakashi or not was irrelevant. For now, Kakashi would stay right here with Tenzo as long as he needed him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late!!! :(

Kakashi stared at the assignment board in ANBU headquarters, baffled. Surely there must be a mistake. Surely someone had messed with the missions, or written the wrong codename. 

Kakashi knew none of those excuses were logical and, alas, there was no denying it. Tenzo was scheduled for a mission. A mission for which Kakashi was not scheduled. It was there in black and white - Cat was on the schedule to be out on assignment for two whole weeks. 

This was a problem for multiple reasons. The first being that if Tenzo was scheduled for a two-week assignment with someone else, he couldn’t come on the mission Kakashi had just received from the Hokage. Kakashi would have to pick someone else, and that would be miserable. Who else could he stand to spend a week with, Ko?!

The second problem was much more pressing. If Tenzo was scheduled for a two-week assignment with someone else, Kakashi wouldn’t be there to keep him safe. Kakashi wasn’t sure who Tenzo was scheduled to work with - the assignment board was intentionally vague - but he did know there wasn’t a soul on this earth that he would trust with Tenzo’s safety. If Tenzo went on a mission and got hurt or, god forbid,  _ killed,  _ well… heaven help the man who let it happen. Kakashi’s vengeance would be unstoppable.

Kakashi glanced at the assignment board again and sighed. He couldn’t let Tenzo go on that mystery mission, no matter what. After their previous mission, Kakashi was still on the fence about whether Tenzo could stand to be around him or not, and he’d been trying to give him space. But this was a matter of life and death. He’d find a way to convince him to switch to Kakashi’s mission. With that decision made, Kakashi left ANBU headquarters in search of his kohai.

It didn’t take long to find him outside of a cafe near his apartment. Kakashi had taken to the rooftops of Konoha in order to find him more quickly, and it worked pretty well. Just before Tenzo entered the restaurant, Kakashi jumped down from above and landed in front of him. He was only slightly disappointed by the way Tenzo didn’t so much as flinch at his arrival.

“Hello, senpai,” he said flatly, a clear indication that he wasn’t too happy to see him. 

“Yo,” Kakashi said, grinning in an effort to win Tenzo’s affections long enough to convince him to abandon his scheduled mission. “Just wanted to let you know we have a mission coming up. We leave in a couple days.” Tenzo stiffened, then sighed.

“Sorry, senpai, I can’t go with you,” he said. “I’m already scheduled for something else.” Kakashi made his best impression of the face Pakkun always made when he wanted something, but he felt the mask might have somehow ruined the effect.

“Tenzo…” he whined.

“Just find someone else, senpai,” Tenzo said. “I’m sorry.”

“I need  _ you, _ Tenzo,” Kakashi said. “I need you to come with me on this mission. Please. Whatever your other thing is, cancel it. Free up your schedule.” Tenzo rolled his eyes.

“My other thing is another mission, senpai. With Aoba. He specifically requested me,” he said. 

_ Aoba. That rat bastard, _ Kakashi thought. Kakashi didn’t actually have a problem with Aoba. In fact, as far as shinobi go, Aoba was one of the better ones. But if he was taking Tenzo away on a dangerous mission, he was dead to Kakashi. 

“Because of your mokuton?” Kakashi asked, knowing it was a low blow. Tenzo’s mokuton was one of his biggest insecurities. He constantly worried that everyone - including Kakashi and the Hokage - only kept him around for his special ability. Predictably, Tenzo looked a little hurt by Kakashi’s assertion, and he felt slightly guilty for bringing it up at all. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and Kakashi had never before considered himself a good person. No reason to start being one now. “I would never use you for your mokuton,” he continued. “I want you for you.”

He was a little embarrassed by his own phrasing as soon as he said it, a feeling that was made only more pronounced when Tenzo proceeded to groan in disgust. 

“If you can find someone to replace me on Aoba’s mission and  _ if  _ you can talk Aoba into it, then I’ll go with you on your mission,” he said. Kakashi grinned - it had been even easier than he had anticipated to sweet talk his kohai into coming with him. All he had to do was talk to Aoba, which shouldn’t be a problem at all. He and Aoba had worked together a few times before, surely he’d be reasonable and would let Tenzo go with Kakashi on his mission.

“Consider it done,” Kakashi said. “We ship out in two days. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find Aoba.” He poked Tenzo on the tip of his nose, satisfied by the deep blush that invaded the younger man’s face until he realized there was a similar one threatening to take over his own face. He quickly spun around and ran off, hoping Tenzo had been too distracted to notice.

Finding Aoba was a little more difficult than it had been to find Tenzo, since Kakashi didn’t know the ins and outs of Aoba’s daily life. Kakashi didn’t even know where the man lived, and he was hopping around Konoha aimlessly, starting to feel a little hopeless. But fate must have been on Kakashi’s side for once, because he happened across Aoba walking through town on a main road.

Kakashi jumped down from the roofs and landed in front of him just as he had done for Tenzo, but Aoba’s alarmed reaction was much more gratifying. Once he had settled down, a look of annoyance spread on his face.

“Kakashi, I know why you’re here and it’s not going to work,” he said without so much as a greeting. Kakashi tried to put on his most innocent face. “You can’t have Tenzo.”

“Maa, I’d never take him from you, Aoba,” he lied. “But I actually tracked you down to let you know Tenzo requested to switch from your mission to mine.” Aoba balked.

“I don’t believe you,” he said. “There’s no way Tenzo would do that.” Kakashi gasped in mock hurt.

“Aoba, would I lie to you?” he asked. Aoba guffawed.

“Absolutely,” he said. “Without hesitation.”  _ Fair enough,  _ Kakashi though. 

“Why don’t you ask him for yourself?” Kakashi said, smirking at the way Aoba’s confidence faltered at the suggestion. But he seemed to call Kakashi’s bluff, because his expression of annoyance quickly returned. 

“Fine, let’s go,” he said. Kakashi groaned inwardly. He had hoped that he’d be able to convince Aoba to let Tenzo go without talking to him. But his pride was too much to allow him to admit to Aoba that he’d been wrong, so he started off towards Tenzo’s apartment. 

He took his time getting there, trying to delay the inevitable. But eventually there were no more wrong turns to make, and he found himself outside of Tenzo’s apartment. He leapt up to the window.

“Hey, shouldn’t we just use the door?” Aoba called from the ground. Kakashi chuckled.

“No, it’s fine,” he said. “I always use the window, Tenzo loves it.” He heard Aoba mutter something to himself before jumping up to join Kakashi on the roof. 

Kakashi snaked along Tenzo’s roof and was glad to find him sitting in his dining room eating next to the open window.

“Yo,” Kakashi said. Tenzo looked up mid-bite and rolled his eyes at Kakashi. He looked as if he were about to open his mouth to say something when Aoba cut him off.

“Tenzo, what the hell man?!” he said. Tenzo glanced over at Aoba as if only just noticing his presence.

“Kakashi-senpai, Aoba-san,” he said politely. “I take it you’ve heard the situation.” Kakashi stepped in through Tenzo’s window and was pleased to hear Aoba following behind him. 

“Yeah, you want to bail on our mission?” Aoba asked, sitting at the table. Kakashi winced - he had been hoping he would be able to explain ‘the situation’ before Aoba, in order to spin it in such a way that it didn’t sound like Kakashi had flat out lied to Aoba. But the cat was out of the bag now and, unsurprisingly, Tenzo shot Kakashi a look of pure annoyance. 

“Well that’s not at all the situation,” Tenzo said. “Senpai?” While Kakashi briefly considered simply telling the truth, he decided that continuing the complicated web of lies was the best option. After all, the end game here was to get Tenzo to come on the mission with him so he’d be safe. A little white lie to protect his kohai surely wasn’t that bad.

“That’s exactly the situation, as I understand it,” Kakashi said finally. Tenzo groaned.

“Senpai, stop it,” he said. “I told you I wouldn’t go on your mission with you unless you found an alternate to replace me.” Kakashi faltered momentarily - he had really missed that part of Tenzo’s request and had only remembered the part where he told him to talk to Aoba. But he wasn’t about to back down now, and Kakashi knew from experience that Aoba would give up quickly if Kakashi annoyed him enough.

“That sounds like a problem for the squad leader,” he said finally. “In this case, Aoba.” Aoba exhaled sharply and shot Kakashi a very frustrated glance.

“That’s not how this is going to work,” he said. “I got Tenzo first.” Kakashi chuckled. 

“Hmm, but Tenzo is on my team,” he said. “So I always have top dibs on him.” Aoba sighed, clearly exasperated with the argument, which Kakashi took as a sign that he’d won.

“If you can find me another qualified replacement for my mission, then and only then can you have Tenzo,” Aoba said finally, shaking his head in defeat. 

“Deal,” Kakashi said, shaking Aoba’s hand to ensure he wouldn’t go back on his word. He turned his attention to his kohai, who was staring at the ceiling shaking his head, looking frustrated for some reason. “Tenzo, find someone to replace you on the mission with Aoba,” Kakashi said. “You’re coming with me.” Tenzo looked down at Kakashi in surprise threw his hands up in frustration.

“How did I get saddled with this task?!” he snapped. “I told you to do that half an hour ago!” Kakashi shrugged. Tenzo had more insight as to what kind of mission this was than Kakashi did, so it made more sense for him to pick a replacement. Kakashi could pick any shinobi at random, but without knowing the details of the mission he couldn’t hope to properly pick someone based on their abilities. 

Aoba stood up prompting Kakashi to do the same, and the two of them waved goodbye to Tenzo.

“See you, Tenzo,” Aoba said, hopping out the window. 

“Bye, Tenz,” Kakashi said, starting to follow Aoba out the window. He felt a hand grab him by the elbow and turned to see a very fired-up Tenzo pulling him back into his apartment. 

“Kakashi, wait,” he ordered. “Wait. You are not dumping this on me. If you want me on this mission, you have to find someone to replace me. Cause I’m not doing it, and then I’ll end up having to go with Aoba. Is that what you want?” 

Kakashi stared at him in surprise. Tenzo wasn’t often authoritative, and when he was it was pretty much only about non-work related things. But having Tenzo get in his face and order him around was somewhat of a new experience, and Kakashi was finding that it was one he could quickly get used to.

“I’m not sure I like bossy Tenzo,” he lied, hoping his face wasn’t as red as he thought it was. Tenzo shrugged.

“Deal with it,” he said. Kakashi swallowed hard, fighting to regain his composure before he spoke. 

“Fine,” he said. “Have it your way.” Kakashi found himself gravely disappointed when Tenzo let go of his arm. Based on the way he smirked at Kakashi, he could only assume he somehow knew all of the thoughts running through Kakashi’s head at the moment. 

“Good luck, senpai,” he said in a sing-song voice, sealing Kakashi’s suspicions that he was a mindreader.

***

Several days later, Kakashi found himself leaping through the trees in route to their mission. Tenzo was close behind, which was comforting, and Kakashi had a good feeling about the mission. Like their previous mission, the objective of this one was to gather intelligence. But this one didn’t involve breaking into anyone’s house or anything. They just had to stake out a hideout and see how many people were coming and going, what times, and maybe eavesdrop of a few conversations if possible. There was almost no chance of a surprise enemy encounter like they’d had at the house.

Whatever Aoba’s mission had been, it was certainly more dangerous than this one. And while Tenzo was an exceptional shinobi who could certainly fend for himself, there was no reason to put him in unnecessary danger. Besides, if Tenzo had gotten hurt or killed on that mission, Kakashi would probably murder Aoba. And then the Leaf would be out two ANBUs. So really, Kakashi was doing the entire Hidden Leaf a favor.

Of course, when Kakashi had told Tenzo the details of the mission on the first leg of their trip, he had seemed a little annoyed that he had been dragged onto such a basic mission. But it hardly mattered. After their last mission, Kakashi had started to accept that Tenzo barely tolerated him. Who could blame him, really - Kakashi was notorious for being an ass. But he had also started to accept that he cared a lot -  _ a lot _ \- about Tenzo. Whether Tenzo reciprocated those feelings was immaterial. Kakashi would be happy enough to live out his days as the leader of Tenzo’s ANBU team because it meant he could be near him and keep him safe. What more could someone want for the person they care most about? 

The thickening of the trees and brush around them heralded the proximity of their destination. Kakashi signalled for Tenzo to stop, and they crouched down together in a large tree with decent line of sight to the entrance of the hideout. It was little more than a crack in the stone cliff face, so Kakashi quickly decided that most eavesdropping was out of the question. But at the very least they could keep a detailed log of how many and what kinds of individual were stopping by, and maybe they’d learn something useful.

The night wore on with no activity from the hideout, and Kakashi found himself slipping further into his thoughts with each passing moment. Kakashi had never considered being in a committed relationship with anyone. He’d had his fair share of one night stands in the last couple of years - what ANBU hadn’t - but he’d never even given passing thought to the idea of maintaining a relationship with any of those guys, or anyone else. But what he had now with Tenzo… was it kind of a committed relationship? Kakashi considered the circumstances - they spent most of their time together. Kakashi cared more about Tenzo than anyone else. Yes, Kakashi was his ANBU leader, but that wasn’t the only reason they acted this way, was it? 

A sharp pain in his upper arm surprised him, and he looked down to see a kunai tear through him. 

_ Thank god it hit me and not Tenzo, _ Kakashi found himself thinking.

The thought was quickly replaced by years of training that kicked in all at once - an enemy was ambushing them and they had to follow protocol quickly. He looked up and expected to find Tenzo reading himself for the fight, but was confused to find him instead pulling out first aid supplies. For a second he was worried Tenzo had also been injured, but the worry evaporated when Tenzo started cleaning Kakashi’s wound.

“Tenzo, go after him,” he said, not understanding at all why Tenzo hadn’t already left to pursue the enemy. “I’ll take care of myself.”

“No, senpai,”Tenzo replied. “I’ll go after him after I treat your wound.” Kakashi shook his head. The wound wasn’t even that bad, honestly - Kakashi had suffered much worse many times - and yet Tenzo was acting like he’d been impaled. 

“Tenzo…” Kakashi started, unsure if he was about to admonish him for being insubordinate or question his motives, but Tenzo cut him off.

“No,” he said, using the same authoritative tone he had used when he pulled Kakashi back into his apartment by the elbow. Kakashi wanted to argue - ANBU rules were very clear: a soldier’s life was important, but secondary to keeping the Leaf and information about it safe and secure - but something about Tenzo’s demeanor stopped him. The feeling of Tenzo’s hands working gently but firmly to patch up his wound was extremely comforting. The touch of a medic - especially Ko - was usually anything but a comfort to Kakashi. Maybe Tenzo had missed his calling in life. Maybe he should’ve been a doctor.

But Tenzo eventually removed his hands when the wound was patched, and Kakashi was reminded of the mission at hand.

“Tenzo, go,” he whispered. 

Tenzo reached out and rested his hand gently on Kakashi’s neck. Even through his ANBU-issued gloves, Kakashi could feel the warmth of his touch. His long fingers trailed ever so gently down from Kakashi’s ear towards his shoulder. Kakashi looked up at him in confusion, but his breath and any questions he might have been planning to ask hitched in his throat when he met his kohai’s eyes behind the mask. The way he was looking at Kakashi... he didn’t quite understand what it meant, but somehow it looked exactly like the way Kakashi felt. His own hand seemed to move of its own volition as it came to rest gently on top of Tenzo’s. 

And then Tenzo was gone. Kakashi mourned the loss of his touch for only a moment before forcing himself to return to full ANBU mode. It was honestly ill considered for them to have sat there staring at each other for that long - it was a miracle the enemy didn’t come by and take them both out while they were distracted. Kakashi shook his head to try to clear his very hazy mind. 

Clearly Tenzo was a distraction to Kakashi, and he needed to focus on protocol in order to get through this mission. And protocol stated that Tenzo should have pursued the assailant immediately following the ambush, and Kakashi should have patched up his own wound. 

Kakashi sensed Tenzo’s chakra getting closer and closer until finally he was back on the branch next to him.

“Do you get him?” Kakashi asked. 

“No, I didn’t sense anyone,” Tenzo said, shaking his head. “I came back cause I was worried about you. I was worried he was coming for you. It felt like a trap.” Kakashi cursed under his breath. Situations like this are why the protocol had been developed in the first place - if Tenzo had just followed the stupid rules, he probably would’ve caught the guy who ambushed them and they could have learned who was targeting the Leaf.

“This is why I told you to leave me behind,” Kakashi said. “You should’ve left me behind and pursued the suspect immediately.” 

“No, senpai,” Tenzo said. “I’ll never leave you behind.” 

“Tenzo, you let him get away and now - “ Kakashi tried to explain, but he was again cut off by Tenzo.

“No, senpai,” he said again, much more forcefully. “No.” Kakashi sighed. What had happened to his sweet innocent little kohai who used to hang on his every word and do whatever he said? 

_ I guess I taught him too well,  _ Kakashi thought.  _ Now he’s a stubborn asshole like me. _

“Now I definitely don’t like bossy Tenzo,” Kakashi said, but he couldn’t stop the smile spreading across his face. Tenzo chuckled.

“Come on, let’s go,” Tenzo said. “My medical skills aren’t the best, we need to get you back home for some actual treatment.” 

“Maa, I’m fine,” Kakashi said, waving his uninjured hand in front of his face. His wound really didn’t seem that bad to him, but Tenzo still insisted on helping him stand up before they leapt away towards the Land of Fire.

***

Kakashi only started to admit to himself that maybe he had been injured a little more than he had thought when he found himself blacking out momentarily while running through the trees. Finally giving the blood loss and exhaustion its due respect, he signalled for Tenzo to stop. He did so immediately and, perhaps sensing Kakashi’s exhaustion, knelt down and produced a small room for them to sleep in. The feeling of pride Kakashi felt for his kohai was quickly extinguished when he noticed him clutching at his chest and struggling to regain his breath.

“Don’t overdo it, Tenz,” he said. “We still have quite a while until we’re home.” 

“I’m fine, senpai,” Tenzo said through ragged breaths, struggling to stand up. “How’s your arm?” Kakashi shrugged - it wasn’t really great, but he didn’t want to worry Tenzo. Especially when he was so exhausted. 

Tenzo clearly saw right through Kakashi’s nonchalance, because he immediately began inspecting the wound very carefully. 

“I didn’t do a very good job patching it up,” he muttered to himself. Kakashi ruffled his hair reassuringly.

“You did fine,” he said. “It’s perfect. Come on, let’s get ready for bed.” Tenzo nodded.

“Yes, senpai,” he said. Kakashi chuckled to himself.  _ There _ was the obedient Tenzo he knew so well. Like a good soldier, Tenzo laid out his sleeping mat next to Kakashi’s (to keep an eye on his wound during the night - Kakashi told himself), before they both stripped off their armor and ANBU masks and laid down to sleep.

Despite how exhausted Kakashi had been on the run, he found his mind too busy swirling with thoughts to sleep. Something Tenzo had said earlier was resounding in Kakashi’s mind over and over again. He had hardly noticed it when he first said it - he had been too focused on reprimanding him for not following protocol - but the words had wedged their way into a crack in Kakashi’s mind and now, away from the thick of the mission, Kakashi found himself unable to think of anything else.

_ I’ll never leave you behind. _

Tenzo had said the words so confidently, so easily. As if it was just completely normal. Because it was. 

But was it? They were ANBU, after all. Tenzo was a long way from ROOT, but certainly leaving people behind for the sake of the mission was a concept that had been drilled into him from an early age. And ANBU was better than ROOT to an extent, but at the end of the day you were expected to give up your own life and that of your colleagues if it benefitted the Leaf. Any organization that expected you to use your last moments to light yourself on fire rather than potentially live, get help, and leak information clearly didn’t place too much value on the human life.

Maybe Tenzo had just said it thoughtlessly, the way people often said “how are you?” when they didn’t actually care about the answer. After all, in the regular world, it was probably a normal thing to say. Probably. 

But if he  _ had _ meant it… well, that certainly threw a wrench into Kakashi’s idea that Tenzo barely tolerated him as a friend. 

When his brain felt like it was finally about to explode, Kakashi couldn’t hold his silence any longer.

“Oi, Tenzo,” he whispered tentatively. Tenzo looked like he was asleep until he opened his eyes just barely and hummed in question. “You awake?” Tenzo hummed affirmatively.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice thick with sleep and a little higher pitched than usual. 

“Nothing… I just…” Kakashi stumbled over his words, feeling awkward for even bringing it up. He took a deep breath and let the words tumble out of his mouth. “Did you mean it? What you said?” Tenzo scrunched up his face in confusion.

“When?” he asked. 

“Before,” Kakashi said, as if that would clear it up. “You said you’d never leave me behind.” Tenzo scoffed a little and looked at Kakashi incredulously. Kakashi regretted bringing it up at all.

_ He didn’t mean it, _ Kakashi thought to himself.  _ And he’s laughing at me for asking him, like the idiot I am. _

“Yes,” Tenzo said, surprising Kakashi. “I meant it.” Again, he said it like it was so normal. Like  _ of course _ he’d never leave Kakashi behind. Tenzo really would be better suited to a normal shinobi team. He was too pure for ANBU.

“You know, that’s not exactly the ANBU way,” Kakashi said finally. “If something happens to me, it’s your duty to finish the mission, even if it means leaving me behind.” 

Tenzo stared at Kakashi. The silence that hung between them for a moment felt almost alive, like a beast threatening to swallow Kakashi whole.

“I don’t care,” Tenzo said finally. Kakashi looked at Tenzo in surprise. “I don’t care if it’s the ANBU way or not. I’ll never leave you behind. Never.” 

“I won’t ever leave you either,” Kakashi breathed. He wasn’t sure Tenzo had even heard him, but it didn’t really matter. Kakashi knew he knew. Somehow, despite everything he had done wrong in his life, the universe had gifted him Tenzo. He didn’t deserve him. But he had no intention of letting him go.

“Goodnight, senpai,” Tenzo said finally, making Kakashi smile. Tenzo always said that Kakashi had saved him and ostensibly he had, from ROOT. But Kakashi wasn’t naive enough to think that Tenzo hadn’t actually saved him from himself. Kakashi knew he couldn’t live without Tenzo anymore, but to be frank, he didn’t really want to. 

A  _ thunk _ of metal on wood jolted Kakashi out of his thoughts and he opened his eyes to see a kunai lodged in the side of the wall by his legs. He jumped up but Tenzo was faster, and a wooden dome appeared just in time to shield them from the blast. Kakashi cursed under his breath. Who the fuck was hunting them down?! This was supposed to be an easy mission. First he had gotten injured, and now this.

“This mission is cursed!” he said, grabbing his kunai. “Okay, on my word, drop the dome. We’ll attack simultaneously.” Tenzo nodded. “Three...two...now!” 

Tenzo’s dome folded neatly into itself, exposing the two of them to whatever lay beyond. Kakashi sensed three enemies and heard Tenzo turn to attack the one on their left. Kakashi leapt to the right and met with the second enemy, whose forehead protector was annoyingly obstructed from view by a mass of messy black hair. Unable to focus on identifying their enemies, Kakashi chose instead to focus on taking them down and identifying their corpses. With a quick twist of his wrist the enemy in his grasp fell to his knees, and Kakashi slashed his throat. 

Kakashi spun around just in time to see a kunai heading for him. He lifted his arm to defend himself but he was too late - out of nowhere, Tenzo jumped in front of him, letting the kunai hit him instead. He fell to the ground unceremoniously, splayed out on his back and contorted in a very unnatural position. 

Kakashi stared at him in horror. The amount of blood coming from his stomach couldn’t be real - surely this was a nightmare, that would explain it. 

A strange noise filled the air and Kakashi was surprised and horrified to realize it was the sound of his own screams. It jolted him out of his trance and he looked up to see the enemy nin approaching. Something in Kakashi’s mind snapped at the sight of  _ him _ , this foul creature who would rip something as close to heaven as Tenzo from this fucking horrible planet, and Kakashi found himself standing with his electrified fist through the man’s gut. He didn’t remember moving towards him or activating any jutsu, but he was glad he had. If he could kill him twice, he would’ve. He removed his bloodied arm from the corpse and let it fall to the ground. 

Kakashi turned around and looked at Tenzo’s body on the ground. The earth seemed to grind to a halt as he found himself rooted to the spot, the sound of his own heartbeat pounding ceaselessly in his ears.

_ He’s dead. Tenzo’s dead. He’s dead. _

Tenzo’s eyes fluttered just barely, but it was enough to make Kakashi practically leap through the air and land right next to him. 

“Tenzo! Tenzo!!” Tenzo’s eyes fluttered closed again and his head started lolling to the side. Kakashi’s wrapped his arms around Tenzo’s body and helped him sit up just a little. “Goddammit Tenzo, can you hear me?” Tenzo’s eyes fluttered.

“I’m fine, senpai,” Tenzo said, coughing blood all over Kakashi’s face. Kakashi’s heart was pounding. They were so far from home. So far away from help. Tenzo was literally bleeding out in his arms. Of all the times for Ko to not fucking be there…

“Tenzo, stay with me please,” Kakashi said, noticing the color drain from his face. Kakashi laid him gently back down on the ground and began inspecting his wound. It was really bad - well beyond Kakashi’s skill to heal - and he had no idea what to do. If he removed the kunai, would that open up the floodgates and make him bleed out faster? If he left it in, was that killing him? 

_ Fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK _

Kakashi’s mind was swirling. Tenzo mumbled something incoherently that sounded very much like “senpai.” Even in this state, he was thinking of Kakashi. He was  _ relying _ on Kakashi. 

Of course. He was relying on Kakashi, and Kakashi would save him. 

“I’m going to get you back home, Tenz,” Kakashi said. “You’re going to be okay.” 

Begrudgingly, Kakashi removed his hands from Tenzo just long enough to summon Pakkun, who appeared in a puff of white smoke.

“Boss! What’s - “

“Pakkun... help, please,” he said. “Tenzo… he’s hurt. I need you to get a medic and bring them here. Find the closest medic, I don’t care if they’re on another mission or if they’re from another fucking country. Just get them here. I need to bring him back to Konoha, but I don’t think he’ll make it all the way and I just can’t leave him here and I don’t…”

“Kid, stop rambling!” Pakkun said. “Get Tenzo. Go to Konoha. Don’t stop no matter what. I’ll meet you with a medical team. I think I smell a team not too far away from here on another mission.” Kakashi nodded frantically. “Tenzo’s gonna be okay, Boss. Now, go!” Pakkun took off at surprising speed. Kakashi turned his attention back to Tenzo. He gingerly scooped him up off the ground and brushed his long brown hair out of his eyes before running off towards the Land of Fire. Tenzo’s eyes were closed and his head was limply bobbing from side to side. His face was so pale… too pale…

“Tenzo, stay with me,” Kakashi said desperately. Tenzo’s eyes opened for a second before falling closed again.

“Senpai…” he breathed. Kakashi gritted his teeth. Tenzo hardly looked human anymore. His skin was nearly translucent and his lips were dry and cracked. He was going to die. Tenzo was going to die, and his last word was “senpai.” His final thought was about Kakashi…

_ And it’s my fault he’s dead.  _ The thought made Kakashi’s throat constrict.

“Tenzo, please don’t die,” he said quietly. “Please…” 

“Boss!” Pakkun’s voice rang through the air. “Boss!” Kakashi stopped running and turned to see Pakkun running towards him, followed by a three-man team from the Leaf. They weren’t ANBU and Kakashi didn’t recognize them, but he had never been so grateful to see anyone before in his entire life. 

“Lay him down, I need to heal him quickly,” a girl on the team said, throwing a sleeping mat on the ground as a makeshift gurney. Tenzo tried to say something, but his voice was too weak to understand. Kakashi gently laid him down but found himself unable and unwilling to let him go entirely, so he settled for holding his hand.

“You’re going to be okay, Tenzo,” he said as the girl removed the kunai and started healing his wound. “I promise.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS + SUICIDE ATTEMPT
> 
> While I was writing Kakashi's suicide attempt, [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALFu2wtXOrs) song came on shuffle and felt very apt so if you want a soundtrack to this chapter, give it a listen.

Somehow by the grace of whatever gods may be, the medic had stopped Tenzo’s bleeding and saved his life. Kakashi had gone with them back to Konoha, too relieved to care that he was clutching Tenzo’s hand and that the chuunins that Pakkun had found were staring at him suspiciously. And now, at the hospital, Kakashi had taken up residence in Tenzo’s room, sitting in a chair by his side and refusing to leave, even after visiting hours had passed. The nurses were all too familiar with Kakashi and his antics - though usually he was the one in the bed, not beside it - and they knew better than the argue with him if he was being particularly stubborn.

As the night pressed on, Kakashi was left with only his thoughts and the sound of Tenzo’s heart monitoring to keep him company. Now that Tenzo was safe and secure and not in danger of dying, Kakashi was able to think a little more critically about their mission.

Tenzo should never have gotten hurt in the first place. If Kakashi hadn’t been so distracted by his stupid feelings for Tenzo, maybe he would’ve sensed the enemies before they attacked. And even if he hadn’t sensed them, there was no reason for Tenzo to die. The kunai had been heading for  _ Kakashi _ , not Tenzo. 

Why would Tenzo have jumped in front of it? It made no sense. Maybe it was some weird leftover behavior from ROOT - an engrained lesson to sacrifice one’s own life for the sake of the mission leader. That seemed distinctly ROOT-ey. But Tenzo was so far from ROOT now, and surely he would know that Kakashi would never ask him to do something so foolish.

Just as the sun was breaking over the horizon, Tenzo stirred. Without opening his eyes he picked up his hand and started hitting the heart monitor, clearly confused by the noise it was making. Kakashi grabbed his hand to stop him from hurting himself.

“Senpai,” Tenzo said, opening his eyes. Kakashi saw the confusion in his eyes and waited for him to get his bearings about him before speaking. “Senpai…”

“Don’t worry about the mission,” Kakashi said, knowing full well that would be Tenzo’s first worry. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” His voice started to waver, and he found himself clutching Tenzo’s hand more firmly, as if it was the only thing keeping him from breaking down.

“Was it that bad?” Tenzo asked. Kakashi sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to think of how to respond to that question. There’s no way he could bring himself to tell Tenzo “ _ You almost died in my arms”  _ without losing his calm facade.

“You were bleeding quite a bit,” he finally said, settling on a half truth. “But you’re fine now. You’re going to be fine. You heal fast.” 

“How are you?” Tenzo asked suddenly. “Your arm was injured.” Kakashi could hardly contain the anger that suddenly boiled up inside of him. This  _ must _ be some ROOT programming causing Tenzo to act so stupid. Why would he be sparing a  _ single _ thought for Kakashi’s wellbeing when he had been injured much more gravely?!

“Are you seriously worrying about the scratch on my arm right now?” he said. The anger seemed to open the floodgates of his mind, and the words he had been planning on hiding away forever suddenly came tumbling out of his mouth “Tenzo, what were you thinking jumping in front of a kunai? You could’ve died. You almost died. I almost…” Kakahi trailed off momentarily.  _ I almost lost you. _ The words danced on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t bring himself to say them. They felt too personal, too intimate. “Why would you do that?” he said instead.

“The kunai,” Tenzo said matter-of-factly. “It was going to hit you.” Kakashi heard a near growl escape from him.

“Then you should’ve let it!” he barked out, his anger finally reaching a breaking point. Kakashi knew his anger wasn’t really directed at Tenzo so much as at ROOT, but ROOT wasn’t here for him to yell at. “God, Tenzo, you can’t kill yourself for me!”

“You would’ve done the same for me, senpai,” Tenzo said, scoffing. Kakashi hesitated. If the tables were turned, he absolutely would’ve dived in front of the kunai for Tenzo. But it wasn’t the same. Kakashi was in charge of the mission, and therefore Tenzo’s life was his responsibility. And besides, Kakashi couldn’t really live without Tenzo, but of course Tenzo didn’t need to know that.

“That’s different,” he said finally, knowing it was a thin argument.

“How!?” Tenzo exclaimed, predictably. “How is it different, Kakashi?” Kakashi sighed.

“Because,” he said, desperate for any excuse. “I’m your squad leader and I -”  

“No, don’t give me that ANBU bullshit!” Tenzo yelled. Kakashi jumped and looked at him - it wasn’t often Tenzo was this worked up about anything. “I saved your life! I did what I had to do. I don’t understand why you’re so upset about me saving you!”

“Because you almost died, Tenzo!” Kakashi thundered, standing up. “Fuck! I can’t lose you!” He hadn’t meant to say the words but now that they were out he felt almost lighter, like the secret had been weighing him down against his knowledge. Tenzo’s anger had subsided into an expression of surprise. “I can’t lose you,” he said again. “You’re all I have left. You promised me you’d never leave me behind, and dying is leaving me. Everyone else I care about has left me, Tenzo. I can’t let you leave me too.” Kakashi had expected Tenzo to be sympathetic and was taken aback when he rolled his eyes and scoffed instead.

“And what about me?” he said. “You think I can live without you? You’re the only thing I have, you’re the only thing I’ve ever had. You’re everything to me.”

Kakashi stared at him in surprise. As per usual, Kakashi had failed Tenzo. He had failed him spectacularly - because at some point along the way, he had given Tenzo the false impression that he was worth something. Friend-Killer Kakashi was worthless. He didn’t deserve to be friends with Tenzo, and yet here was Tenzo saying he was  _ everything _ to him. 

And suddenly it was all so very clear. Tenzo jumping in front of a kunai wasn’t so different from Obito pushing Kakashi out from under the falling rocks. The universe was back to rear its ugly head and take Tenzo from Kakashi, just as it had already taken everyone else.

“Tenzo,” Kakashi said. “You’re wrong. I’m nothing. I’m worse than scum.” He stood up with the intention of leaving and never returning, because  _ that _ was what Tenzo deserved. He deserved to be free of the curse of Kakashi’s love and friendship. He deserved to live a life that wouldn’t be tainted by Kakashi’s colassaly bad luck. And it was  _ certainly _ was Kakashi deserved, too. He deserved to lose Tenzo.

But before he could leave the door to the hospital room swung open and Kakashi was horrified to see the Hokage entering. Kakashi glanced back at Tenzo to see if he looked surprised or if he had been expecting a visit from Hiruzen, but he was winced over in pain. Kakashi fought back the urge to run to him and make it all better. Because nothing he could do would make it better. It would only make it so much worse.

“Please, please,” Hiruzen said. “Don’t hurt yourself for me, Tenzo. I’m glad to see you’re resting. And Kakashi - I’m glad to see you’re here as well. I thought I might find you here.” 

“I was just leaving, Hokage-sama,” Kakashi said, trying to slip out the door. 

“Could I trouble you to stay a little longer?” Hiruzen asked, forcing Kakashi to stop in his tracks. “I came here to speak with you both.”

“Of course, Hokage-sama,” he said, taken off guard. He had assumed the Hokage was there to talk to Tenzo about his recovery or something. Why he’d need both of them there was beyond him.

“This mission seems to have been somewhat of a disaster,” Hiruzen started. Ah, that was why. To reprimand them for a job poorly done. “Explain what went wrong.”

“Yes sir,” Kakashi said through gritted teeth. He launched into a technical explanation of their entire mission, as if he were writing his mission report. Which he only just now realized he had forgotten to do when he returned. Because he had been sitting by Tenzo’s side all night. 

“Did you bring back any information from the three attackers?” Hiruzen asked when Kakashi had completed his debrief. 

“No, sir,” Kakashi said somewhat sheepishly. He vaguely remembered his intention to search the corpses for information. In fact, he remembered suddenly that he didn’t even know where the attackers were from - he hadn’t been able to see their forehead protectors, and had never gotten around to checking their dead bodies. Because he had been distracted by Tenzo.

“Did you dispose of their bodies before leaving?” Hiruzen asked.

_ Fuck, _ Kakashi thought. Another thing he completely forgot to do. Normal protocol would’ve been to burn the bodies, or to seal them up and take them with him if Yugao was around. But he had just left their bodies where they fell in death. In fact, had he even picked up their campsite? In retrospect, he realized it was probably clear as day that Konoha had killed those ninjas. What an  _ idiot _ he had been.

“No sir,” he said finally.

“Did you ensure the area was clear of additional attackers or spies before leaving?” Hiruzen continued.

Kakashi closed his eyes. Literally the only thing he had thought about after the attack was saving Tenzo. He had forgotten every single piece of training and protocol he had ever been taught. He’d been in ANBU for ten years, and yet he was acting like a rookie. And not even a smart rookie - one of the rookies he and Yugao would’ve weeded out immediately. And why? Because of his stupid obsession with Tenzo. An obsession that almost got Tenzo killed.

“No sir,” he whispered, realizing he had never answered. 

“I appreciate the fact that you and Tenzo have been assigned to the same team for several years now and are very close,” Hiruzen said. “However, you are both assigned to ANBU and as such, there are rules you must follow. Rules which you both chose to abandon during this particular mission for the sake of each other’s safety. Sacrifices must be made at times during ANBU missions for the sake of the greater good. Without any information on your attackers, we have no intelligence on their motives. They could have been simple thieves, or perhaps they were seeking information on Konoha, or... perhaps they were after you, Kakashi. You’re no stranger to bounty hunters.”

Kakashi felt like Hiruzen had physically punched him in the stomach. Kakashi honestly hadn’t given much thought at all to the men who had attacked them - it wasn’t unusual for an ANBU team to be ambushed during a mission - but he  _ certainly _ hadn’t entertained the idea that they had sought him out not for his position as an ANBU, but for the price on his head.

“You think Tenzo got hurt because of me?” he croaked out.

“Perhaps,” Hiruzen said. Kakashi was sure that Hiruzen had said more, but for the life of him he couldn’t make himself listen. It was bad enough for Tenzo to have almost died saving him - but if the attackers were specifically there because of Kakashi…

This was proof Kakashi was cursed. His friendship was a black mar on the lives of all who dared get too close to him. No one could hope to make it out alive.

Hiruzen suddenly got up and left, drawing Kakashi back to the present. Tenzo sighed and looked at him with sympathy in his eyes. While Kakashi had been expecting sympathy before, it seemed completely wrong and out of place now.

“Kakashi, I don’t think that - “ Tenzo started.

“You don’t think what, Tenzo?” Kakashi said, cutting him off before he could say something comforting. Kakashi didn’t deserve to be comforted. And Tenzo deserved the truth. “You don’t think I’m fit to be your squad captain?” 

“What? No. Kakashi, you know that’s not true,” Tenzo said. 

“It is,” Kakashi said. “If you got hurt because of me, I…”  _ I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. _ But why should he be able to live with himself now? That Tenzo survived was a miracle, and not one of Kakashi’s doing. The damage had been done, just as if Tenzo had died. Just as if Kakashi had been the one to stab him. He couldn’t stay here, he couldn’t pretend to be Tenzo’s friend if he was the reason he had almost died. He stood up suddenly. “Goodbye, Tenzo.”

***

Kakashi’s apartment was dark when he arrived despite the sun shining brightly in the sky. He made no effort to turn a single light on though. It was easier to think in the dark. The light hid all of his impurities and distorted the image of the mess he’d created. In the darkness, he could see it more clearly.

The dogs had greeted him as he entered but he hadn’t so much as acknowledged them. It didn’t matter if he did or didn’t. They’d probably be better off if he treated them like dirt anyway.

He sat down on his couch and stared ahead blankly. Tenzo had sat on this very couch so, so many times before. Had each time been another notch in whatever universal tally book was being held against him? How many times did it take for the evil that haunted Kakashi to lash out and attack?

Because surely the evil had followed Kakashi his entire life. He’d taken his first life before he had even opened his eyes to this world - was it his fault his mother had died in childbirth? Maybe he’d never had a chance to be free of this pain, to be normal. Maybe he’d done something in a previous life and had been cursed to pay for it day in and day out in this life. 

Mother. Father. Obito. Rin. Minato. Tenzo.

The names ran through his mind like a hit list. For that’s what it was, after all. A list of people the evil had killed or tried to kill. Tenzo had barely made it out alive. He couldn’t hope to survive a second attack.

Kakashi needed to make the evil go away. If he could rid himself of the curse, he could save Tenzo. But how did one lift a curse? Kakashi had never paid too much attention to such things, shrugging them off as nonsense. He wished now that he had. Maybe there was some simple solution, like hanging herbs over his doorway or something, that would make Tenzo safe.

_ You can’t lift this curse with magic, Bakashi,  _ a voice said in his head. 

_ Then how?  _ He thought back. 

_ You have to kill it. _

That certainly seemed logical. If the evil was alive in some way, killing it would lift the curse. All he had to do was kill the evil. But how do you kill pure evil? It’s not like an enemy nin that you can simply chidori or stab. It had no physical being to inflict damage on. Unless...

_ You know how to kill it. _

Kakashi clamped his hands over his ears in an attempt to block out the voice, but it was fruitless. He couldn’t think, not with that voice shouting in his mind. Not when it was making such horrible suggestions.

_ You could kill me that way, too,  _ the voice challenged, sensing his hesitation.

“No!” Kakashi said aloud. “I’m not my father.”

“Kid, who are you talking to?” Pakkun asked. “Are you alright?” Kakashi couldn’t answer. He pressed his hands harder against his ears.

_ You can’t block me out, _ the voice said.  _ As long as I live, the evil lives. _

“Who are you?!” Kakashi yelled.

“Who’s who?” Pakkun said.

_ You know who I am, Bakashi, _ the voice said. He did know - but he shook his head anyway, hoping to somehow fool himself. It didn’t work.  _ Say it. Tell me who I am. _

Kakashi felt a sob forming in his chest as he answered.

“It’s me.”

“Kakashi, you’re scaring me,” Pakkun said. “Look at me. Who are you talking to? Talk to me, instead.” 

_ Take out a kunai. _

Kakashi looked down and found that he was holding one in his hands. When had he done that? Had he been holding it the whole time? He flipped it deftly around his fingers, watching the light gint off of it and his various places on the wall and, eventually, directly into his eye. 

Maybe the voice was right. It certainly was logical, after all. All these years Kakashi had lamented the fact that an evil followed him wherever he went. It seemed so obvious, now. The evil had never followed him. The evil  _ was _ him. 

_ It’s your life or Tenzo’s. _

Kakashi looked up at nothing. Tenzo’s life was at stake. The evil - Kakashi - was targeting him next. He’d never survive a second attack - so Kakashi had to prevent a second attack from ever occurring. He held the knife up to his wrist.

“Kid, stop!” Pakkun moved faster than light, and before Kakashi knew what had happened, Pakkun had the knife in his mouth. The other dogs crowded around, barking wildly. 

“Stop it, stop it!” Kakashi yelled. “Leave me alone!” He stood up and walked down the hallway, absently noting that the sun was already setting. Hadn’t it just been morning? How long had he been sitting on the couch? 

He started for his bedroom but thought the blood would stain the wood floor, and his poor landlady would have to spend money to renovate. So instead he went to the bathroom. The tile floor would probably be easier to clean. 

Pakkun was right on his ankle but Kakashi slammed the door, locking him out. The dogs were scratching relentlessly on the door, but the noise quickly faded into the background as Kakashi took another kunai out of his pouch.

“This isn’t anything like what happened with my father,” he said to no one. “I’m doing this to save Tenzo. I have to save his life. I have to kill the evil.” 

Without hesitation, he drew the blade down his forearm. He was sure it should hurt, but he couldn’t feel a thing. But the blood that poured out of the wound assured him he had done it right. Feeling more confident in his action, he slit the other wrist as well.

_ It won’t be long now, _ the voice said. Was it the voice? Or was it his own thoughts? Either way, he closed his eyes and laid on his back. The voice would be dead soon, too, so it hardly mattered. 

Kakashi suddenly realized he was cold.  _ Blood loss, _ he thought, thanks to years of field first aid training. He sighed. This certainly hadn’t been how he expected to go. After his father had killed himself, he had vowed to never be so selfish and cowardly. He had hoped to die on the battlefield many a time and had been reckless for that very reason, to no avail. But never had he considered killing himself. 

But this was different. He wasn’t killing himself so much as he was saving Tenzo.

_ Tenzo. _

Thinking the name reminded him of his face, the way he rolled his eyes when Kakashi said something stupid, the way his smile lit up his whole face when he was happy. Kakashi would never see him again, now. But that was just as much as Kakashi deserved, anyway. He didn’t deserve to see Tenzo ever again. 

A noise outside the bathroom caught Kakashi’s attention but he was too spaced out to care. So when the bathroom door flung open it took him by surprise, but it was nothing compared to the surprise of seeing Tenzo standing over him, looking completely distraught.

_ I’m hallucinating, _ Kakashi thought.  _ I guess this is the end. _

Tenzo fell to his knees and stared at Kakashi in horror. Kakashi looked away. What a horrible vision to hallucinate here at the end - Tenzo looking so upset. Why couldn’t he hallucinate Tenzo smiling and looking happy?

“Okay senpai,” the hallucination said. ‘I’m going to save you.” He produced Kakashi’s first aid kit from the cabinet under the sink and lifted Kakashi’s arm - he was pretty solid for a hallucination. The feeling of gauze being wrapped around his wrist surprised him, and he realized suddenly that this was no hallucination at all. It was really Tenzo, in the flesh, completely oblivious to Kakashi’s endeavor to save him.

“Tenzo, no!” he tried to yell. “Don’t - “

“Senpai, shut up,” Tenzo interrupted with the same authoritative tone he seemed to have picked up on recently. “I promised you I’d never leave you behind, didn’t I? So stop arguing. I’m taking you to the hospital, and I’m saving your life.” Kakashi huffed.

“You’re so bossy,” he said, but he wasn’t sure Tenzo could even hear him. In fact he wasn’t a hundred percent sure he had actually said anything out loud. Suddenly Tenzo hoisted him into the air and the world started to spin dangerously around them. Kakashi closed his eyes and willed his life to end before Tenzo could save him. 

He felt himself falling as if to sleep, and let himself drift off out of consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. This chapter was hard to write because Kakashi felt very out of character, but in my defense the man is having a complete mental breakdown so... yeah. Sorry.
> 
> Also, this is what happens when you have child soldiers, Konoha.


	7. Chapter 7

The hospital room where Kakashi lay awake felt unnaturally cold and dark. The nurses had bandaged up his wrists and given him an IV of fluids, and it hadn’t taken him long to regain his right mind.

In retrospect, perhaps killing himself wasn’t the smartest decision he’d ever made.

The logic that had made perfect sense to him at the time now seemed irreparably flawed. If he was so worried about Tenzo’s safety, he should stay alive in order to protect him. Killing himself would only leave Tenzo alone and vulnerable. Of course. It was only too bad he hadn’t come to that conclusion before Tenzo had found him in such a sorry state.

Kakashi closed his eyes and sighed. He had expected to wake up and find Tenzo sitting by his bedside, glaring at him with that look of disappointment he had somehow already mastered at a relatively young age. But when Kakashi awoke to find himself alone, he realized he’d done more than try to kill himself. He’d killed his friendship with one of the few people who had always been there for him. How could he expect anything else? He didn’t deserve Tenzo’s friendship.

The light from the morning sun was just peeking over the horizon when Kakashi’s hospital door opened. His initial childish reaction was to feign sleep so the nurse wouldn’t try to talk to him, but he quickly realized this was no nurse visiting him. He’d recognize that shiny black hair and bright green jumpsuit anywhere.

“Gai,” he said, surprised. Gai, for the first time in his life, was silent. He dragged a chair over to the side of the bed and sat, staring silently at Kakashi for what felt like ages. Kakashi felt himself start to squirm under his gaze, and was just about to tell him to fuck off if he was going to be so annoying when he finally spoke. 

“What happened, Kakashi?” he said.

Kakashi had been expecting a lecture and the simple question hit him right in the chest. He was surprised to feel his eyes stinging with tears and he blinked rapidly, hoping to hide them from his friend.

“It’s hard to explain…” he started. The look on Gai’s face made him stop short of his excuses. Sighing, he started again. “It was a moment of… I don’t know, insanity? My mission the other day went haywire and Tenzo almost died trying to protect me. I don’t know. I thought I was cursed or something. You know about Obito and Rin. And I just thought… Tenzo was next. Unless I died.” Gai crossed his arms over his chest.

“You’re smarter than that, rival,” he said. Kakashi felt guit start to rip his chest apart, and he desperately hoped he could keep himself from crying in front of Gai. 

“Apparently not,” he mumbled. Gai reached over and grabbed Kakashi’s arm.

“But you realize now it was a mistake, right?” he asked. “You’re my rival for eternity, Kakashi. You’re still in the springtime of your youth! Don’t throw your life away so willingly, when so many of us are willing to fight for it.” 

“I’m sorry, Gai,” Kakashi croaked out. 

“All is forgiven!” Gai said, and Kakashi felt relief wash over him. “And I expect you to be up and ready for a challenge as soon as possible!” Kakashi made a show of sighing and rolling his eyes, despite the warmth he felt flooding his whole body.

“Well, I don’t expect I’ll be able to tell you no,” he said. Gai beamed.

“That’s the spirit! I knew my rival wasn’t down for the count yet!” he said, jumping out of his chair. “Now I’ll leave you to healing, dearest rival, while I go check on the condition of your friend Tenzo!” Kakashi sat up so fast his head spun.

“Wait, what?” he said. “What’s wrong with Tenzo?” Gai stopped in the doorway and turned around slowly, an uncharacteristic frown on his face.

“Do you not remember? Has no one told you?” he asked.

“Told me what?” Kakashi practically yelled. “Gai, what are you talking about?” 

“He’s in serious condition,” Gai said. “He tried to carry you here last night. I don’t know the full story, but it seems he was already injured - I guess from the haywire mission you mentioned. I came across him on the road during a late night jogging challenge and he asked me to take you to the hospital. I didn’t go a full block before I realized he had collapsed, so I went back and got him too and carried you both here. The doctors said he reopened his existing wound and bled out quite a bit before I brought you both here.” 

The room suddenly started to fade out of view as Kakashi realized what he’d done. The curse - if it existed - had tricked him. Trying to kill himself hadn’t saved Tenzo, oh no. It had hurt him even worse. It had maybe even killed him. Gai said serious condition - what could that mean? Was Tenzo in danger of dying? He opened his mouth to ask but found instead that it was suddenly slick with bile. He leaned off the side of the bed just in time to vomit on the floor.

“Kakashi!” Gai exclaimed, rushing over to his side. “Are you okay?!” 

“What have I done,” Kakashi whispered, mostly to himself. Kakashi suddenly felt that he  _ had  _ to see Tenzo. He had to see him  _ right now  _ or else he was going to explode. Frantically, he started ripping the IVs and heart monitor wires off himself.

“Kakashi, what are you - “

“Gai, where is he?” Kakashi asked. Gai stared at him with eyes blown wide open in surprise. “Where is Tenzo?! Tell me where he is!!” 

“H...he’s down the hall!” Gai said. “But I think you should stay in bed!” Kakashi threw the sheet off himself and practically pushed Gai out of the way to get out of the bed on the non-vomit side. 

“Please Gai, take me to him,” he said. “Please. I’ll check every single room in this hospital if I have to.” Gai gripped onto his shoulders.

“I will take you to him,” he said. “Wait here.” He turned and left, and Kakashi tried to take a step after him but realized he was still remarkably weak. He gripped onto the side of the bed for support and silently cursed Gai for abandoning him in his hour of need. The door to his hospital room burst open again, though, and Gai returned with a wheelchair.

“Get in, rival!” he said. “If you cannot walk then I will be your legs!” The pang of guilt Kakashi felt for his anger was quickly replaced by gratefulness as he sat in the wheelchair and Gai started wheeling him out of the room at alarming speed. Despite having told Kakashi that Tenzo was just “down the hall,” he wheeled him down several corridors before finally stopping outside a room. 

“I’m not sure he’s allowed visitors,” Gai said, looking around for a nurse.

“I don’t really care,” Kakashi said. “Just go in.” Gai sighed loudly but pushed the door open and wheeled Kakashi into the room. It was exceptionally dark - the curtains were pulled tightly closed and were blocking out the first rays of the morning sun. The sound of the heart monitor had faded into the background of Kakashi’s own hospital room, but here seemed to be deafening. Kakashi had to remind himself that it was a good sign - if the monitor was beeping, it meant Tenzo was alive. 

Gai wheeled him to the side of Tenzo’s bed. Kakashi’s eyes finally adjusted enough for him to make out the figure of Tenzo lying in bed - he was so pale, so still. Kakashi slowly reached out and gently grabbed his hand. He didn’t react at all and there was no change in the steady rhythmic beeping of his heart monitor, so Kakashi brought Tenzo’s hand up to his face and kissed it gently before setting it back down. He laid his head down on Tenzo’s bed and mindlessly stroked his arm, horrified by how cold his skin was.

“You’re in love with him,” Gai said matter-of-factly. Kakashi jumped. Somehow he had managed to completely forget Gai was present and he felt a wave of humiliation wash over him as he realized Gai had witnessed his whole exchange with Tenzo’s hand. He opened his mouth to deny it, but realizing it was futile, sighed.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said softly. 

“How can you say that?!” Gai said, indignant. “Love is the most youthful emotion imaginable!” 

“I said it doesn’t matter,” Kakashi said more harshly. “He’s lying half dead in a hospital bed that I put him in. It clearly does not matter.”

“He’s in the hospital because he cares about you and wanted to save you!” Gai said.

“From myself!” Kakashi said. “Gai, you can’t seriously think Tenzo would want to have anything to do with me after what happened last night.” Gai sighed.

“I think he deserves to know how you feel,” he said.

“And I think he deserves to have someone much better than me,” Kakashi said. Before Gai could protest any more, the door to the room opened and the doctor strolled in.

“Ah, Hatake Kakashi,” she said. “I thought I might find you here when your room was empty. Come on, time to go back to your own room.” 

“I’m not leaving,” Kakashi said. The doctor chuckled.

“And why’s that?” she asked. Kakashi stared at the doctor, trying to think of an excuse she would buy. 

“Love has blossomed in the garden of his youth!” Gai blurted out. “Don’t make him abandon his - “

“Gai, shut up,” Kakashi hissed. The doctor raised her eyebrows and stared at Kakashi suspiciously, then shrugged.

“Fine,” she said, pulling back a curtain halfway through the room to reveal a second bed. “I’ll have the nurse set you up in the other bed right here. But that means you owe me, and I’m going to have to ask your friend to leave so I can perform the check up I was intending to do in your own room.” 

“Of course!” Gai said, shooting her a grin and a thumbs up. “I’ll be back to check on you later, my eternal rival!” Kakashi felt relief wash over him as he realized the doctor wasn’t going to make him leave.

“Thanks, Gai,” he said. Gai waved and practically sprinted out of the room. 

“Well, I think your friend is still completely out,” the doctor said, and Kakashi noticed she was fiddling with Tenzo’s IV. “So we can have your check up right here.” 

“I don’t really need a check up,” Kakashi said. “I’m feeling much better.” The doctor nodded slowly.

“That’s why I found vomit on the floor of your room?” she asked. “Cause you’re feeling much better?” Kakashi shrunk back into his seat. “That’s what I thought,” the doctor said. “But vomit aside, I was actually intending to check up on your mental health. You tried to kill yourself, that’s really serious.” 

“It was stupid,” Kakashi mumbled. “I’m not planning on doing it again. I realized my mistake.”

“That may be so,” she said. “But clearly something snapped in you last night and make you think it wasn’t stupid. Are you so sure the same thing won’t happen again?” Kakashi stared at her, silent. She made a good point. He was starting to remember how his mind had been whispering dark thoughts to him, and he wondered if it started whispering again if he’d be able to resist it. 

“It won’t happen again,” he said, much less confidently than before. 

“I want you to see a therapist,” the doctor said, raising her hand to stop Kakashi from protesting before he even opened his mouth. “A lot of shinobi do, you would by no means be the only one. No one has to know if you don’t want them to. And, if you choose not to see the therapist, I’m not sure I can sign off on your mental health to go back to work.” Kakashi sighed and stared at the ceiling. He normally would absolutely refuse to go to a therapist - he hated talking about anything, especially feelings, especially with a stranger. But if the doctor wouldn’t sign off on his mental health, he wouldn’t be able to go back to being a shinobi. And who was he if not a ninja? 

“Fine,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’ll see the therapist.” The doctor smiled.

“Great,” she said. “I’ll schedule your first appointment for you. Now, get in this bed and don’t let me catch you up and wandering around again.” 

***

Morning had given way to afternoon and Tenzo was still out cold. Kakashi was just about to call the doctor back to force her to check on him when he noticed a slight difference in his breathing. He glanced over at Tenzo hopefully, but he still looked the same. Deciding Tenzo’s health was worth the chakra use, Kakashi tentatively cracked open his left eye. The sharingen confirmed that Tenzo was indeed starting to breathe a little more quickly - he was waking up. As if on cue, he opened his eyes and looked around, confused, before his gaze rested on Kakashi.

“Senpai,” Tenzo said. “You’re alive.” 

He sounded so relieved - it hurt Kakashi to his very core. Why was Tenzo so relieved that he was alive? He should be angry with Kakashi, he should never want to see him again. Tenzo’s gaze suddenly felt heavy, like it was weighing Kakashi down. He looked away, at the ceiling, and heard Tenzo sigh.

Silence fell between them and Kakashi found himself remembering what Gai had said earlier. Perhaps it was true that Tenzo deserved to know how Kakashi felt. Certainly Kakashi felt guilt and remorse for what he’d done. He felt worry for Tenzo’s condition. Tenzo deserved to know those things, even if Kakashi never told him he loved him.

“Tenzo,” Kakashi said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Tenzo said too quickly. “You’re okay.” Kakashi scoffed quietly and looked over at Tenzo. Of course he’d be worried about Kakashi, after all that had happened.

“Are you?” he asked. Tenzo looked down at himself as if only just now remembering he had been injured. 

“They patched up my wound,” he said, shrugging. Kakashi rolled his eyes.

“That’s not what I meant…” 

“What do you want me to say, senpai?!” Tenzo snapped. Kakashi closed his eyes. This was what he deserved. Tenzo had every right to be mad at him, and there was no way Kakashi could fault him for that anger. “I’m sorry,” Tenzo said. 

Kakashi could hardly believe his ears. Why on earth would Tenzo be apologizing to Kakashi? He should be yelling at him, throwing him out of his hospital room, telling him to never show his face around here again. He shouldn’t be apologizing. He deserved so much better.

_ Then give him better, _ his mind thought. Kakashi opened his eyes. He wasn’t sure where that thought had come from, but it seemed so obvious now. Tenzo deserved someone who would take care of him, who would be there for him, would tell him everything was going to be okay. Nothing was stopping Kakashi from being that person.

Filled with sudden courage, Kakashi got out of his hospital bed - thankful the nurses had never reconnected his IVs - and closed the distance between himself and Tenzo. He laid down next to him and wrapped his arms around him, breathing in deeply to fill his mind with the smell of pine and earth that he loved so much. 

“I’m sorry, Tenz,” he said. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Kakashi didn’t really want to explain to Tenzo what had happened. But it didn’t really matter what Kakashi wanted. It mattered what Tenzo deserved. And Tenzo deserved the truth. “I allowed you to get injured on the mission. It was all my fault, and then you said you did it to protect me. And when the Sandaime said that the attackers may have been bounty hunters after me, I just lost my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking that it was my fault you almost died. It’s always my fault - every time someone I care about dies, it’s my fault. I couldn’t let you be next.” 

“How would killing yourself solve that problem?” Tenzo whispered, gently stroking Kakashi’s hair.

“It made sense at the time,” he said. “I figured if I wasn’t around to care about you, you wouldn’t get hurt. If my life puts yours at risk, I don’t deserve to live.”

“Yes you do,” Tenzo said emphatically. “Stop that.” Kakashi wanted to argue. He wanted to tell Tenzo he was wrong - Kakashi didn’t deserve to live. Not after everything he’d done. Not after all the people who had died for him. He opened his mouth to say as much, but found only one single question waiting on his tongue.

“Why?” 

Tenzo was silent for a moment and Kakashi regretted even asking. Of course Tenzo wouldn’t have an answer, because there was no answer. 

“Because you’re a good person,” Tenzo whispered. “And because I need you.” 

Kakashi ripped his head up and looked down at Tenzo. Tenzo needed him. He  _ needed _ him. How could Kakashi have missed that? Here Kakashi had been thinking Tenzo barely tolerated him as a friend, he thought Tenzo kind of hated him. Kakashi was starting to think maybe he wasn’t the genius everyone always told him he was.

“I need you too,” he said. Tenzo smiled a little, just enough to make the corners of his eyes crinkle a little bit in the way Kakashi absolutely adored. He didn’t look mad at all - no, he looked beautiful. Perfect. Pure. Amazing. His eyes sparkled despite the relative darkness of the room and Kakashi wondered briefly if Tenzo had fallen directly from the stars as a baby, and was made of part stardust himself. It would explain why he was so much more than human. Kakashi lifted his hand and gently caressed Tenzo jaw, half expecting his hand to burn at the touch, as if he was touching something much holier than he deserved. 

_ Zap _

Kakashi ripped his hand away in horror, briefly thinking he had indeed been smited for touching Tenzo before he realized it was his own lightning chakra that he had lost control of. 

“Sorry!” Kakashi said as Tenzo rubbed at his cheek where he’d been shocked. “Damn lightning chakra.” Kakashi looked at his hand angrily, annoyed that it would ruin such a perfect moment. Tenzo suddenly let out a chuckle.

“Ow, don’t make me laugh,” he said, still laughing.

“I really am sorry, Tenzo,” Kakashi said, laying his head on Tenzo’s chest. 

“For making me laugh?” Tenzo asked. 

“No, for everything else,” Kakashi said, sighing. “Can we go back to the way it was before? Before I screwed everything up like I always do?” 

Tenzo wrapped his arms around Kakashi a little tighter, and Kakashi felt himself melt into his kohai’s arms. 

“Everything still is the way it was before,” Tenzo whispered. “You didn’t screw anything up. I’m still in love with you.” 

Kakashi thought for a moment that his heart had actually stopped beating. Had he actually heard that right? Surely not. Surely Tenzo had not just said he was in love with him. Kakashi must be losing his mind - it must be those same damn voices he was hearing the night before, whispering lies into his ears and making him crazy. But the look of horror on Tenzo’s face made Kakashi wonder if perhaps it wasn’t the voices. Perhaps it  _ was  _ actually Tenzo.

“I mean… I just meant that… not that I  _ don’t _ \- as like, a friend,” Tenzo said, his face turning redder with ever word. Kakashi stared, unsure what to say, and was relieved when the door burst open and the nurse walked in. 

“What in the world is going on here?” she exclaimed. Kakashi quickly got out of Tenzo’s bed and back into his own, feeling more grateful than embarrassed. “No more of that,” the nurse said. “You need to stay in your own beds and heal.” 

She went about checking on their charts and Kakashi was thankful for the distraction. He was still reeling from Tenzo’s accidental confession, and felt that anything he said would be the wrong thing. The nurse left and for once Kakashi was sad to see her go. The silence that hung in the room after her departure felt like it might swallow Kakashi whole.

“So what happened?” Tenzo asked suddenly, making Kakashi jump. “I mean, how did I get here?”

“You don’t remember?” Kakashi said, concerned. Just how close to death had Tenzo gotten last night? “Gai brought you here. He only got about 100 yards down the road before he realized you weren’t following. He went back for you and carried us both all the way here.”

“Wow,” Tenzo said, whistling. “Guess it’s lucky for us that Gai works out all the time.” Kakashi snorted. 

“Yeah, who knew those challenges would actually save our lives one day,” he said. 

The silence fell back between them and Kakashi desperately wished for a way to escape. He knew he would have to address Tenzo’s confession or else the awkwardness would sit between them forever. But how could he? He couldn’t tell Tenzo he felt the same way. Tenzo deserved someone who wasn’t a complete disaster. He deserved someone who could be there for him all the time, no matter what. 

_ Then be the person he deserves, _ his mind thought again. He almost laughed. Of course, he had given himself the solution earlier and had already forgotten it like a complete idiot. Yes, Tenzo deserved better. But that didn’t mean he didn’t deserve Kakashi. All Kakashi had to do was constantly strive to be what Tenzo deserved. It was simple, really.

“About what you said - “ he started, suddenly confident.

“I’m sorry for what I said - “ Tenzo said at the exact same moment.

“No, let me say this before I change my mind,” Kakashi said, bulldozing over Tenzo’s apology. “I heard what you said and I know you meant it. I don’t understand  _ why _ you meant it, but that’s not the point. The point is you don’t deserve the mess that I am, Tenzo. You deserve so much better…”

“Kakashi, don’t you think I can decide for myself what I deserve?” Tenzo said. Kakashi growled in frustration for having his momentum halted. 

“Would you let me finish? I’m bad enough at this whole talking thing without you interrupting me all the damn time,” he snapped. Tenzo remained silent. “I was going to say… you deserve so much better than what I am now. But… I want to be better for you, if you’ll wait for me. I know it’s selfish of me to ask, but… please wait for me.” 

Tenzo stared at him in silence for a moment. His expression was unreadable, and Kakashi sighed. It had been worth a shot, anyway. If Tenzo didn’t want to wait, at least Kakashi had given him the option. Kakashi had known it was selfish of him to ask, after all. 

“Kakashi,” Tenzo said softly. “I will wait for you forever.” 

Kakashi grinned. He was sure he must have accidentally switched lives with someone during his suicide attempt, because this was going much too well for his usual luck. He felt a warmth spreading throughout him and wanted to leap out of his bed and run over to Tenzo and kiss him, but he stopped himself. Instead, he settled for making a joke to hide his embarrassing level of enthusiasm.

“Well that’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?” he said. “Forever is a long time.” Tenzo groaned and shook his head.

“God, you’re such an asshole,” he said. “Why does it have to be you?” 

“I don’t understand it myself,” Kakashi said, laughing at Tenzo’s predictable reaction. “But I’m serious, Tenzo. I’ll work on it. For you.” Tenzo smiled.

“I’ll hold you to that, senpai.”

***

Only a week had passed, not nearly long enough for Tenzo to fully heal in Kakashi’s opinion, and yet the Hokage had already assigned him another mission. A mission that Kakashi was not assigned. Kakashi hated the idea that Tenzo was going to be out there without him, knocking on death’s door. 

“How long will you be gone?” Kakashi asked for the fiftieth time. 

“About a week,” Tenzo replied. “Week and a half, tops.” Kakashi sighed. The ‘week and a half’ part was brand new information. The other fifty times, Tenzo had just said one week.

“Okay…” Kakashi said hesitantly. 

“Kakashi, it’s not a big deal,” Tenzo said before Kakashi could say anything else. “Please don’t be upset with me.” Kakashi sighed. He really wasn’t upset with Tenzo at all, but clearly he was doing a piss poor job showing it. If anything he was pissed at the dumb Hokage for assigning him out so early in his recovery. Kakashi realized his arms were crossed tightly over his chest and that, to Tenzo, he probably looked angry as all get out. He quickly uncrossed his arms and placed one over Tenzo’s shoulders, pulling him into his chest.

“I’m not upset with you,” Kakashi tried to explain. “I just don’t like the idea of you being out on a mission without me there to protect you.”

“Are you worried about me, senpai?” Tenzo said in a teasing tone. Kakashi felt his whole face burn and he was sure it was bright red.

“Don’t mock me, Tenzo,” Kakashi mumbled, embarrassed. “You know I am.” Tenzo smiled and gently ran his fingertips down Kakashi’s chest.

“I’ll be okay, Kakashi,” he said. “I promise.” Kakashi sighed deeply and rested his forehead against Tenzo’s. 

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” he said. Tenzo hummed in thought.

“Well then, I promise I will do everything in my power to come back to you,” Tenzo said, moving his fingers from Kakashi’s chest to his jaw. 

“Good,” Kakashi whispered, closing his eyes and revelling in Tenzo’s touch. How badly he wanted to kiss those fingers that caressed him, to kiss the man attached to them… but it wasn’t right. Not yet. Kakashi hadn’t held up his end of the bargain yet. He was still a complete disaster. He was going to see the new therapist soon but he hadn’t yet, and he couldn’t bring Tenzo into his life until he was certain he could be what he deserved. Kakashi pulled away from Tenzo and cleared his throat in a futile attempt to clear the haze that Tenzo’s touch seemed to cause in his mind. “I meant to tell you,” Kakashi said. “I’m seeing someone.”

“Oh, I’m sorry... I mean... congratulations?” Tenzo stammered, pushing away from Kakashi. “I just thought that we…” Kakashi cocked his head in confusion. He had expected Tenzo to be proud of him or at least be supportive, but he was acting like he was personally offended. Why would he… 

Kakashi’s idiocy hit him hard. 

“No, no, no!” he said, realizing the confusion his phrasing had caused. “Oh god, I’m such an idiot. I don’t mean like that. I mean, I’m seeing a therapist. My first appointment is on Wednesday. I wanted to tell you as, you know, proof that I was trying to keep my promise.” 

“You really had me going there for a second,” Tenzo said, sighing. “But I’m happy for you. And I’m really proud of you. I know how much you hate talking to people.” 

“Yeah, I figure this will suck majorly,” Kakashi said. “But I have to do something. Last week made that clear. I don’t want to end up like my father.” Kakashi almost jumped in surprise to hear himself mention his dad. It had rolled off his tongue so easily, despite the fact that he’d refused to even recognize his existence for the past 15 years. He expected it to hurt but was surprised to find that it really didn’t. Maybe it’s true that time heals all wounds.

“You won’t,” Tenz said softly. “And that’s a promise I’m willing to make.” Kakashi smiled at him. He always had a way of understanding Kakashi so fully.

“So, when are you shipping out?” he asked, hoping to change the subject to something less depressing. “Can you at least stay for dinner?” Tenzo nodded.

“Leaving tomorrow morning,” he said. “So I can stay here as long as you want.” Kakashi chuckled. 

“Mmm, that’s a dangerous thing to say, kohai,” he said. “Because if I had my way, you’d stay here all night.” Tenzo raised his eyebrow.

“Then I guess I’ll be staying here tonight,” Tenzo said. “As long as you summon the dogs.” Kakashi groaned.

“You and those dogs,” he muttered. “I can’t tell who you like more, me or them.” He summoned the dogs anyway and couldn’t deny that he loved the sound of Tenzo’s laughter as the dogs appeared in the living room and leaped onto the couch, wagging their tails and licking their faces.

“You shouldn’t ask a question if you know you won’t like the answer, senpai.” Kakashi chuckled. He was certain he’d like the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm still alive! Sorry it took me so long to post this chapter. I'm in the process of moving across the country and looking for apartments in a city over 2K miles away and interviewing for new jobs in that new city and just... yeah. Writing has fallen off my priority list. I promise I will finish this story though!!!!


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